Sex education? Not at my school!

That’s what 1 in 10 Australian teens said in a recent survey, reported in the Melbourne Age on October 28. One in 10 teens said they had received no sex education at school while less than half had been taught about the emotional side of sexual relationships or non-consensual sex.

A third (33%) of teens who were having sexual experiences had their first encounter before their 14th birthday but many were unaware how infectious diseases spread. Experts say the findings underline the need for mandatory sex education in all Australian schools.

The Marie Stopes International survey of 13 to 18-year-old Australians found that 31% were sexually active but almost a third did not know they could catch sexually transmitted infections from oral sex.

The research showed that on average those who had “the talk” with their parents became sexually active later (15.3 years) than those who had not discussed the issue (14.7).

The survey involved 1000 teenagers and their parents. 20% of parents admitted they had never talked to their teens about sexual health. Thirteen per cent of parents would have no idea if their children were sexually active. And while only 22% of parents surveyed thought their children were sexually active, 31% of teens said they were.

Jill Michelson, general manager of operations for Marie Stopes — a charity providing sexual and reproductive advice and treatment to women — said young people were lacking vital knowledge and parents could play a part in educating their children on sexual health.

She said that countries with strong sexual education programs experienced lower rates of teenage pregnancy, abortion and sexually transmitted infections.

How old were you when you first had sex?

When your child asks personal questions such as when you first had sex think about how much you want to disclose. They don’t need to know your personal details if you don’t want to tell them but they still want answers.

Try to answer them in a general way. For example you could say that some people first have sex when they are teenagers and others not until they have left school.

It is true that the younger people are when they start to have sex, the more they later regret not having waited until they were older. You could say that you want them to wait until they are prepared and ready to take that step and have ensured that the experience will be safe and special.

Daughter: How long do boys erections last?

To this question from your 9 to 12 year-old daughter you could say:

“It varies. Boys erections may last for one minute to as long as 30 minutes. For example, boys often wake up with an erection and it goes down when they get up.

A boy can have lots of erections during the day and that can be embarrassing if he thinks other people notice.”

How old are you when your penis stops growing?

You could say to your 9 to 12-year old son:

“Your penis will continue to grow until you have gone through all the changes at puberty and when you have stopped growing taller. That might not be until your late teens.”

Boys worry if their penis doesn’t look the same as others, especially compared to the size of an adult’s penis. They may have seen their father’s penis and wonder if it will ever get to be as big.

Telling them that size doesn’t matter doesn’t take away the anxiety. Knowing that their penis will continue to get bigger through adolescence might help.

Together you can talk about men you admire, men you see as manly, and identify the qualities you value in them. These could be qualities such as honesty, good fun to be with, energetic, an ability to laugh at themselves and not take life too seriously. These are the qualities that make a man, not the size of their penis!

What is the right time to start having sex?

In answering this question from a 9 to 12-year-old you could start like this:

“The right time is going to be different for everyone. You will know the right time when you consider the answers to questions such as:

• Why do I want to have sex?

• Have we got the relationship I want before starting to have sex?

• Can we both take the responsibilities of a sexual relationship?

• What will we do if I/she gets pregnant?

• Who can I talk to if things go wrong?

• How will I feel if we break up?”

This is an opportunity to talk about your values and what you want for your son or daughter. You could talk about the kind of relationship and the skills you want them to have before considering having sex for the first time. For example, a relationship where they feel loved and cared for. A relationship where they can talk freely about preventing pregnancy and infection.

The importance of delaying sexual intercourse
Children today are reaching sexual maturity earlier than their parents did. Boys and girls are now physiologically capable of sexual activity before they are ready emotionally.

Give your 9 to 12-year-old a clear message that sexual intercourse is an adults-only activity and they are far too young to experience sex.

Between the ages of 10 and 12 some children experiment with sexual intercourse and oral sex. It tends to be a purely physical activity and often occurs in groups. The boys “see if it will fit”. They may take turns with others watching. Sometimes it is a result of a dare, part of a game or they are bullied into it. They risk pregnancy, infections, and feeling bad about themselves.

Parents are shocked when they learn their child is involved in such activity and the situation needs to be handled sensitively. The child may feel guilty and blame themselves for ending up in this situation.

Young people need to have the confidence to enjoy early sexual feelings without going on to have sexual intercourse. Your parenting will help to build self esteem and good communication about sexuality which will give them confidence to stand up for themselves.

Talking to your child about friendships, sex and relationships is an important part of parenting. Talk about the basics of contraception, safer sex, signs of pregnancy, pregnancy options and the local health services available to young people. It is better to give children information before they become sexually active. Encourage them to think about the decisions they will need to make in the future. Research shows that young people who have had the opportunity to learn about these issues are more likely to delay sexual intercourse.

Delaying intercourse will allow them to enjoy early sexual experiences such as kissing, touching and getting to know each other before making the decision to have sex. If they wait until they feel ready they are more likely to practice safer sex. Family Planning organisations and government agencies have pamphlets and websites with information that will update you on these topics.

Sex education at school will also help them gain this confidence. Ask your school about the sex education they provide and what you can do to support it. Becoming involved in improving sex education at school or helping develop youth friendly services in the community is a great way to help all children.

Is it okay for teenagers to have sex?

We encourage you to discuss the following points when answering this question from your 9 to 12-year-old:

Young people who start having sex before they are 16 years old often say they should have waited longer. They say their early sexual experiences have often been negative and they were under pressure at the time leaving them feeling bad about themselves.

When a person’s self-esteem is shaken they are less able to make healthy decisions.

Having sexual intercourse involves making some important safer sex decisions. Even when people use contraception there is a risk of pregnancy.

It is okay to experiment and have a sexy time together and for young people to enjoy their sexuality without taking those risks. This is an important part of learning about each other and developing a healthy relationship before taking that step.

What’s an erection? What’s masturbation?

Answer these questions from your 5-9-year-old directly:

What’s an erection?

“An erection is when the penis gets bigger and harder. This is caused by the blood vessels filling up with blood. It can happen when a man feels sexy, when he wakes up in the morning or sometimes it just happens.”

What’s masturbation?

“Masturbation is when a person rubs the sexual parts of their body for sexual pleasure. It is something people do in private.”

Talking about sex to children aged 5-9

The questions and answers in this blog’s 5-9 year- old category will guide you when answering your child’s questions about sex. Normal development between age five to nine means most children will:

• Socialise with their own sex and tend to exclude the other
• Be aware that sexuality can be a tricky topic for some adults, and may ask less questions
• Begin to understand that intercourse occurs apart from making a baby
• Find information about sex from friends and the media
• May engage in sexual exploration with the same sex
• Develop a stronger identity in terms of gender and body image

A concern you may have is that giving your child the facts about sex at this age will take away their innocence, the qualities of wonder and naivety children have. Researchers argue against this however, pointing out that children’s understanding is limited regardless of how much information they are given.

There is a large gap between child and adult reasoning and comprehension. This gap protects young children’s innocence. Although you give them information on sex and sexual matters, they do not understand or act on it in the way adults do.

While our replies to children’s questions are important, they are only part of how we influence them. If you are embarrassed, ignore or delay answering a question your child will quickly conclude that this is a topic that makes Mum or Dad uneasy. Children may think that the topic is just taboo – unmentionable. They may decide to find less reliable sources of information about sexuality such as their friends.

Non-verbal cues – body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, will show children that parents are uncomfortable. If this is how you feel it is best to tell them you are uncomfortable but you are pleased they asked the question, it is important and you are happy to discuss it. You could say that you would rather they asked you than their friends, and if you don’t know the answer you will find out for them.

What’s a condom? What’s the pill?

These are questions asked by 5-9-year-olds. A frank open discussion at this age will show that it is okay to talk about condoms and sex and you are happy to be asked questions about these topics. You could answer:

“When a man and a woman have sex they can make a baby. If they use a condom or the pill, they can have sex without making a baby. A condom fits over the man’s penis like a glove, and the pill is a pill that the woman takes every day. It is also called contraception.”

What is sex Dad? Question from a 5-year-old

“Sex is when two adults kiss, cuddle and touch and make love to each other. When a man and a woman are loving each other in a special way the man puts his penis in the woman’s vagina. This feels nice for both of them and they have fun together. This is also how babies are made.”

The messages you are giving with this answer is that sex is something adults do, that it’s pleasurable and that you are open to talk about it.