Archive for the ‘5-9 year-olds’ Category
A parent asked me this question after her son’s school principal called her about her son:
The school principal called to say my 7-year-old son had “taken his penis out on the bus”. The principal went on to say this was serious and was a matter that we, as parents, had to address this with our son as a serious misconduct.
My husband and I sat him down that evening to discuss the whole matter, he was very ashamed of what he’d done. He knows, but we repeated the fact that “private parts” are just that etc, etc.
My main concerns are: Is this normal behavior? Could this be an indication that he’s got a sexuality problem which may manifest later in life too?
Be reassured that your child’s behaviour does not sound very unusual. He was involved in an exciting “curiosity” game showing the other children his penis. Many children participate in this kind of game, usually as a “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” game.
You have quite rightly reminded him that this is a private part of his body and that this game is inappropriate. You need to be concerned if the behaviour continues and is repeated in a secretive manner involving other children in a way that upsets them. But otherwise you don’t need to worry.
Regular readers of this blog may know (or maybe not?) that I have written a popular parenting book on children’s sexual development.
It’s titled From Birth to Puberty – Helping your child develop a healthy sexuality.
It features the topics that I have blogged here in more depth, with case studies and questions and answers. Order a copy from firstname.lastname@example.org
Here’s an example answer to this question from a 9 to 12- year-old:
“When a woman has an unplanned pregnancy she must decide whether to go ahead and have a baby.
In the early stages of pregnancy a woman can have an operation or take pills to end the pregnancy. This called an abortion.
It is up to the woman to decide what will be best for themselves and their family, however her partner and others close to her will help her to make the decision. Having a baby and caring for children is a big responsibility.”
You may also say that some people believe abortion should be available to all women and others do not. Outline the legal situation where you live. You could also talk about people’s different cultural and religious beliefs and practices about abortion.
Your daughter has not had her first period and she may be concerned about stories of painful periods from her friends or others.
Respond to this question carefully as you don’t want to give the impression that the pain is difficult to cope with. Expecting some discomfort and knowing that this is normal will help a girl cope with it when the time comes.
You could say:
“Girls usually experience some period pain and occasionally it can be severe. It may be low back pain, pelvic pain and may radiate down the legs.
Most women cope with the discomfort by doing gentle exercises, applying heat or using mild pain relief.”
What have periods got to do with sex?
To this question from an 8-year-old your response could be:
“A woman has a period so she can have a baby. To start a baby a man and a woman have sex. So really the two are related because they are both needed to have a baby. Do you want to ask me some questions about sex?”
An answer for a 5-9-year-old could be:
“Some boys have an operation when they are babies called circumcision. The skin covering the end of the penis is removed. In some countries the operation is common so a boy who hasn’t had this operation feels very different. In many western countries now boys are only circumcised for medical reasons.”
See here for my previous post on circumcision
Fay shared this story about her son at a parent evening:
John had developed a habit of holding onto his penis when he was anxious as a young child and continued to do it occasionally during his junior school years. He seemed unaware of the behaviour. Jane found it embarrassing and hoped he would stop but didn’t say anything to him about it.
When John was nine years old he had written a prize-winning speech and was asked to repeat the speech at the end of year prize giving. Standing up in front of the assembly of children and parents he gave his speech, with one hand firmly holding his penis. Jane felt so embarrassed for him as she heard the whispering and sniggering from his schoolmates. Now she wishes she had helped him by bringing it to his attention when it first occurred.
If your child is often touching or holding their genitals at age 6 or 7 it is probably because something is worrying them. Try to work out what the problem is. Telling a child who is masturbating for comfort or merely holding themselves for comfort not to do so is likely to make them more anxious. Try saying, “I can see you are feeling worried about something, come and I’ll give you hug.”
When a 4-year-old is under stress it is common for them to hold their genitals and to have the urge to relieve themselves. It may have become a habit by the time they start school. You can discourage this by quietly raising their awareness when it occurs so that the behaviour doesn’t persist.