What do boys want to learn in sex education classes?

Boys are not being taught what they want to know in sex education classes,  recent UK research has found. The study by Middlesex University was of boys in year 12 (age 16) at eight schools.

Boys were asked what they wanted to learn from from a sex and relationship course and how they wanted to be taught.

They wanted more sex education at an earlier age. The areas of feelings, sexuality, sexual techniques, sexually transmitted infections, pornography and the effects of ‘boy culture’ were not addressed sufficiently, or not at all.

Boys also called for smaller class sizes, more active methods of teaching and some boys-only sessions to be able to express themselves freely without girls present.  There was also a strong view expressed that they wanted to know ‘what it’s like to be a girl’ from girls themselves.

The 2007 study collected data from a questionnaire and from three focus groups in three schools.  The study is likely to be relevant to sex education programs outside the UK – I’ll present the findings in more detail in later posts.

I don’t want you to talk about sex: ten-year-old

Your 10-year-old son (or 11 or 12-year-old son or daughter) has never asked you any questions about sex.

You may assume that they know all they need to know at their age, or they may have told you that “I already know all about it.”

Sometimes a child may resist their parents efforts to talk about puberty and sexuality. They may protest and walk out of the room when you raise the subject.

What can you do in this situation? A good first step is to ask yourself why they are behaving this way. It could be they are embarrassed, or they think they should already know the answers. They may know a little and think they know a lot. Or your past reactions may have taught them not to ask.

Here are some suggestions of things you could do.

Use incidents on TV shows to start discussions about relationships and sexuality. Soaps and sitcoms  are scripted with many aspects of relationships, and sexuality topics are frequent. You could ask, “How do you feel about what that person did? What might happen because of their choice?”  This gives the message that there are choices in sexual situations and that people should think about the choices they make.

Talk about sexuality with another adult while your child is present. For example, “Have you seen the news report about…?” The message to your son or daughter is that it is okay to talk about sex in this family.

Ask your preteen to help you explain something to a younger child. For example, ask your 11-year-old son to help you talk to his eight-year-old brother about his aunt’s pregnancy. This will give the 11-year-old a face-saving reason for listening to what you have to say. The younger brother is likely to ask questions the 11-year-old also wants to have answered.

Mom, do you have sex with the men you date?

The 11-year-old daughter of a single mother asked this question.

If your child asks you a similar question, ask yourself, “Why is she/he asking that?” There is often a question behind the question. It is an opportunity to understand the question your child really wants answered.

In responding remember what you want them to learn. A positive response could be:

‘I’m happy to talk about my choices. I thought hard about them and they were right for me at the time. My choice may not be the right one for you when you get older. But first tell me why you want to know.’

This answer gives the message that this is an okay topic to discuss, that wise choices require thought, and that you are prepared to help your child learn to choose wisely.

Children’s sexuality from birth to puberty

Regular readers of this blog may know (or maybe not?) that I have written a popular parenting book on children’s sexual development.

It’s titled From Birth to Puberty – Helping your child develop a healthy sexuality.

It features the topics that I have blogged here in more depth, with case studies and questions and answers. Order a copy from suntime@fastmail.fm

Mixed messages about sexuality

Marla , nine years old, asks her mother,

‘I want to start shaving my legs, like the other girls at school.’

Her mother disagrees, telling her,

‘You are too young and could cut yourself. I didn’t start shaving my legs until I was fourteen.’

Marla goes to her father and asks,

‘Dad, can I have one of your razors to shave my legs?’

‘Sure honey, here you go,’ he says, and he gives her one without a second thought.

Incidents like this can cause conflict between parents, often simply because they had not discussed the issue before it arose.

If you are alert to such situations and consult each other before making decisions, one parent will not feel that their wishes are being devalued or their authority is being undermined.

Parents can easily give mixed messages about sexuality to their children. One parent sends a certain message and the other parent gives a conflicting one. Understanding and working through differences beforehand will help to avoid this and assist in giving clear messages to your children.

Often your own parents or in-laws have strong feelings about sexuality issues and about the messages that children should be given. These can be quite different and perhaps at odds with your own.

It may also become an issue with neighbours and friends if you help each other out with childcare. Having clearly decided on the messages you want to give your child provides you with the strength and confidence necessary to respond with conviction to concerned friends and relatives.

If your child attends daycare you can also ask about their policies on issues such as privacy, nudity and sex play.

What’s a prostitute?

If you have been talking with your 9 to 12-year-old  about sex you can answer this question simply,

‘A prostitute is an adult who is paid for having sex.’

You could go on to say that there are more female prostitutes than male as more men pay for sex than women; and that they may be self-employed or work for a business such as a massage parlour.

Prostitution is not legal in all states and countries.  You could tell the legal situation where you live.  And you could ask them if they know some of the slang words for prostitute, chances are they will have heard some of them but may not know the true meaning.

Sex on TV

Your child may be interested in TV programs that have explicit sexual content. They are curious to know what sex is all about and it is natural for them to be very interested in the sexual exploits of their favourite TV characters.

Not only sex but sexual messages are conveyed on many television programs, commercials and  on internet videos on social networking websites. Common sexual themes are sexual relationships, sex and gender roles, body image, and how people talk about sex.

By watching TV with your child you can use programs to talk about sexuality issues and values. Using these opportunities will strengthen your communication with them.

You can set boundaries to limit television and internet viewing to appropriate programs and sites. While you can use technology to block TV channels and “net nanny” internet sites at home, your child may see material you feel is inappropriate outside the home.

If this happens your child is more likely to talk to you about it when you have established an open communication with them. You could explain that the sex and the relationships between characters in a TV show are very different than those in everyday life.

How often do you have sex? 10-year-old asks parents

When your 9 to 12-year-old child asks personal questions such as this, think about how much you want to disclose.

They don’t need to know your personal details but they still want answers. Try to answer them in a general way.

For example you could say,

‘Some adults have sex every day, others once a month and others not at all.’

You could go on to explain that everyone is different and their needs change at different stages in their life.

‘What’s AIDS?’ 9-year-old son

When answering this question from a 9 to 12-year-old son or daughter give the important facts:

‘AIDS is an illness caused by a virus called HIV.

People can be infected with this virus by having sex with an infected person, sharing needles when using drugs, having a blood transfusion with infected blood, or a HIV positive mother can pass it on to her baby during breastfeeding.’

Talking about the actions that put someone at risk of HIV is more accurate than talking about the groups of people who are more likely to be infected with the virus.

You may go on to say that a person with HIV may be healthy for many years, especially with treatment, but when they have AIDS they are very sick and then the condition is difficult to treat.

Daughter: Sex sounds disgusting. Why do people do it?

Answering the question from your 9 to 12-year-old can be straightforward:

“Sex is wonderful sensual experience for adults and a way of showing love and affection.

While sex may seem a bit strange to you at your age it is natural for adults to have sexual feelings and to have fun making love. “

With this answer you are giving positive messages about sex and are clear this is something that adults do, not children.

However you may also want to take the opportunity to talk about the risks some young people take by experimenting with sex when they are too young, and how you would want your child to behave when they have their first boyfriend or girlfriend.