What is the right time to start having sex?

In answering this question from a 9 to 12-year-old you could start like this:

“The right time is going to be different for everyone. You will know the right time when you consider the answers to questions such as:

• Why do I want to have sex?

• Have we got the relationship I want before starting to have sex?

• Can we both take the responsibilities of a sexual relationship?

• What will we do if I/she gets pregnant?

• Who can I talk to if things go wrong?

• How will I feel if we break up?”

This is an opportunity to talk about your values and what you want for your son or daughter. You could talk about the kind of relationship and the skills you want them to have before considering having sex for the first time. For example, a relationship where they feel loved and cared for. A relationship where they can talk freely about preventing pregnancy and infection.

The importance of delaying sexual intercourse
Children today are reaching sexual maturity earlier than their parents did. Boys and girls are now physiologically capable of sexual activity before they are ready emotionally.

Give your 9 to 12-year-old a clear message that sexual intercourse is an adults-only activity and they are far too young to experience sex.

Between the ages of 10 and 12 some children experiment with sexual intercourse and oral sex. It tends to be a purely physical activity and often occurs in groups. The boys “see if it will fit”. They may take turns with others watching. Sometimes it is a result of a dare, part of a game or they are bullied into it. They risk pregnancy, infections, and feeling bad about themselves.

Parents are shocked when they learn their child is involved in such activity and the situation needs to be handled sensitively. The child may feel guilty and blame themselves for ending up in this situation.

Young people need to have the confidence to enjoy early sexual feelings without going on to have sexual intercourse. Your parenting will help to build self esteem and good communication about sexuality which will give them confidence to stand up for themselves.

Talking to your child about friendships, sex and relationships is an important part of parenting. Talk about the basics of contraception, safer sex, signs of pregnancy, pregnancy options and the local health services available to young people. It is better to give children information before they become sexually active. Encourage them to think about the decisions they will need to make in the future. Research shows that young people who have had the opportunity to learn about these issues are more likely to delay sexual intercourse.

Delaying intercourse will allow them to enjoy early sexual experiences such as kissing, touching and getting to know each other before making the decision to have sex. If they wait until they feel ready they are more likely to practice safer sex. Family Planning organisations and government agencies have pamphlets and websites with information that will update you on these topics.

Sex education at school will also help them gain this confidence. Ask your school about the sex education they provide and what you can do to support it. Becoming involved in improving sex education at school or helping develop youth friendly services in the community is a great way to help all children.