What is sex Dad? Question from a 5-year-old

“Sex is when two adults kiss, cuddle and touch and make love to each other. When a man and a woman are loving each other in a special way the man puts his penis in the woman’s vagina. This feels nice for both of them and they have fun together. This is also how babies are made.”

The messages you are giving with this answer is that sex is something adults do, that it’s pleasurable and that you are open to talk about it.

Why has Mary got two Mommies? Questions from 5-9-year-olds

Children will observe differences in family composition once they are at school, such as in this case where Mary apparently has two mothers. The diversity in family composition includes single parents, multiple families living together, blended (step) families, children raised by their grandparents or by gay or lesbian parents.

To answer the question you will need to know if Mary has a mother and a stepmother or has lesbian parents. If you don’t know the family you could say:

“I’m not sure. Mary may have parents who are lesbian. That would mean she has two mothers at home. Or she may have a stepmother living with her dad, and her mother living somewhere else.”

Why aren’t you married? Question from 5-9-year-old

This is an opportunity to talk about differences in families and differences in relationships.

You can explain that people in long term relationships make different commitments to each other. Some people have public ceremonies such as getting married in a church, having a marriage ceremony in a place of importance to them such as on a beach or in a garden, or having a civil union celebration. Others make a private commitment to each other without a ceremony and are in de facto relationships.

You can also explain that relationships may be heterosexual, gay or lesbian. See my previous posts about explaining same sex relationships to this age group. This is also an opportunity to talk about the way different cultures celebrate marriages with unique customs: how the rituals, the clothes worn, the food eaten, the religion, venue and time taken are particular to each culture.

Has Granny got a vagina? More questions from 5-9-year-olds

Has Granny got a vagina?

“Yes. Granny has a vagina because she is a woman and all women have a vagina. The vagina is a private part of the body and we only talk about the private parts of the body at home.”

Why can’t I be a boy?

“When you were born you were a little girl and you will be a beautiful woman when you grow up. You can learn to do everything that boys can. Why do you want to be a boy?”

Some children go through a phase of wanting to be the other sex. It can be associated with a negative experience by an adult of their own sex. Finding out what is behind the question will help you deal with it.

Why do you put lipstick on? Can I try?

You may think this is fun for your daughter, but you may not want her to use your expensive lipstick! But what about your son? Both boys and girls of this age like to act out things they see other people do. Putting on lipstick and dressing up as adults can be a fun way to try out roles of their own or the opposite sex. When a little boy puts on a dress and make-up it doesn’t mean he is rejecting his male role. He is harmlessly acting out something he observes in everyday life.

7-year-old son: “Can I marry Johnny when I grow up?”

This question was asked by a seven-year-old boy, who was devastated when his mother told him he could never marry his best friend Johnny. It would have been better if she had treated the question in the same way she would if her daughter had asked it.

If your son asks a similar question involving same sex marriage, you could say that you hope that he will have many very special friends while he is growing up and that when he is an adult you hope that he will choose someone who will make him very happy. At this age it is not necessary to go into sexual orientation issues.

Same sex marriages and civil unions are legal now in a number of states and countries, and in this particular case the mother was in error telling her son that he could not marry another male when he was of legal age.

What’s a homo? Questions from 5-9-year-olds

Here is an example answer:

“A homo is an offensive slang word for homosexual. A homosexual person is an adult who feels attracted to people like themselves such as a man attracted to another man or a woman being attracted to another woman. Gay and lesbian are other words for homosexual. Adults who are attracted to people of the other sex are called heterosexual.”

You can play a part in developing non-discriminatory attitudes if you give factual information and show your acceptance of homosexuality whenever it is discussed.

What’s a period? Questions from 5-9-year-olds

Here is an example answer you can use for this age group:

“A period is something a woman gets four or five days every month. Every month a woman’s body gets ready to make a baby. Most of the time she doesn’t make a baby so she has her period and a trickle of blood comes from her vagina. She uses a pad or a tampon to soak up the blood.”

Take this opportunity to show your son or daughter what pads and tampons look like. To prepare your daughter once she is 8 or 9 years old, buy her a supply of pads and tampons to experiment with. Suggest ways to cope with her period if she is at school or at a friends house. Periods typically begin a year after breast development starts so work out when that could be together.

5-year-old daughter preoccupied with sex stars

A mother shared this concern a while ago. It is an issue for some parents:

“My 5-year-old daughter stole a swimsuit calendar and kept hold of a number of these pictures for some length of time before I discovered them. She seems to be preoccupied with sex stars on TV shows. She talks about wanting to visit Hooters so she can see the girls. She begged my (oblivious) husband into buying a Baywatch DVD, claiming that she was interested in lifeguarding. I look at the way she is and the way I was, and I just don’t know what to think. I was never like this, and don’t know anybody who was. I’m stuck between trying to explain “too much” to her, and not knowing if this is just a healthy curiosity. “

Don’t be too concerned. It is normal for 5-year-olds to be absorbed in one type of play. Typically their play is about dinosaurs, playing with dolls, dressing up or drawing. In your daughter’s case, she is fascinated by TV stars. Perhaps you could redirect her interest in something related such as fashion, steering her interest from the model’s bodies and behaviour to the clothing they wear. She could start a scrapbook of fashion and you could help her find pictures in magazines that you have chosen for her. Reinforce interest she shows in other activities and ensure she has enough opportunities to play with other 5-year-olds.

Try not to let this issue create tension in your relationship with her and remember she is only five. She is looking at things from a child’s perspective. Talk about it with your husband so you take a consistent approach and so she doesn’t try to manipulate both of you to get what she wants. Remember you are her parents, you make the rules, and you are the ones setting the boundaries. Tell her you love her and point out all the positive qualities you see in her. If she stubbornly refuses to cooperate use her interest to your advantage. For example after she goes to 3-4 swimming lessons or goes swimming with you on three occasions she could have a treat to watch Baywatch. You will be reinforcing more appropriate behaviour.

Can I go to the sex classes at school?

If your school has a policy of asking for parental consent before sexuality education classes begin you should be given information about the topics being covered. You might think that it is your role to talk about sex and sexuality to your child and not the role of the school. However the school has an opportunity to clarify information and develop open communication within the children’s peer group.

Schools can complement your child’s learning from home and provide social learning opportunities that are not possible within the family. In the classroom children have the opportunity to practise communication skills. Young people are encouraged to be open and honest with each other when talking about sexuality issues. In the classroom children can hear each other’s opinions and gain an understanding and tolerance of others. The school can give up-to-date, accurate information that is sometimes not easily accessible to parents. And your child has an opportunity to discuss matters with their teachers. This is different from discussing these matters with you, because teachers are not emotionally involved with them in the way you are as a parent.

Hinehou, a Maori community worker, was finding it difficult to talk to her daughter, Merita, about the changes she would be going through at puberty. When her daughter’s school notified her that they would be discussing sexuality issues at school it motivated her to get started. She was surprised at how much Merita already knew, even though some of herideas were confused. Hinehou was pleased she had been ‘pushed into it’ by the school, especially as Marita had her first period soon after.

While the program is on at school you can use the opportunity to talk to your child about sexuality. Ideally, you will tell your child what to expect at puberty. However not all parents talk to their children and give them the information they need.

When asked what she learnt from the course on puberty an 11-year-old girl wrote: “I learnt heaps, most things I wouldn’t learn at home. I thought it would be shaming but it wasn’t. I didn’t even know about periods.”

Talk to your child well before puberty about the changes ahead. Talk to them about your own values and the expectations you have of them. This will help them to develop their own set of values.

What’s a virgin? What’s a boner? Is sex dirty?

What’s a virgin? What’s a boner? Is sex dirty?

Suzie asked her father, “What’s a virgin?” Her father said, “Ask your mother.” Her mother said, “Don’t they teach you that at school?” Suzie felt she was getting the run-around. She had a suspicion that if she put the question to her teacher she would be told to ask the school nurse or counsellor.

Try rehearsing answers to these questions. Think about how you would respond to questions like these, before your child asks.

You might feel uncomfortable about the language and content of these and other questions your child may ask. Separate the question from the way it is asked. Once you’ve done this, you can respond with language you feel is more appropriate. You will be modelling the language you want your child to use.