Sexual behavior between stepchildren #2

In the previous post we outlined some of the behaviors and issues that may arise between stepchildren in blended families.

What can you do to help?

A child may try to talk to their own parent in the blended family about the issues and be rejected for a number of reasons.

Some parents don’t want to hear that there are conflicts between the children and may feel it is up to the children to sort out their new relationships within the family. The parent may think their child is making up stories, is misinterpreting the situation, or trying to get a sibling into trouble.

If your child is appearing sad, withdrawn, or has had a major change in their behavior and tries to tell you about a sexual situation, take it seriously.  Show them that you are listening and say that they are doing the right thing in talking to you.

Tell them you won’t blame them for whatever is happening and that you will do something about it.  Don’t hesitate to seek professional advice.

Keeping children safe from abuse #2

You want to keep your children safe protect them from abuse. But the reality is you can’t always be there to protect them. But you can help by preparing them so that they know what to do in unsafe situations.

Young children can learn how to recognise an unsafe situation, learn how to stay in control and what to do to get out of danger.

One way to recognise an unsafe situation is to know the way the body responds when scared. Adrenalin is released and the heart beats faster, the blood is redirected to the muscles for action, breathing becomes rapid and you feel alert.

The body has one or more ‘early warning signs’ in response to danger.  For example, your knees feel like jelly, you may have an urge to urinate, palms feel sweaty or you get a feeling of butterflies in the stomach.

Teaching your child to recognise these signs means they can be alert to possible danger. Help them identify these signs by relating them to a scary but safe experience they have had recently. For example, a roller coaster ride or their first time on a water slide. Their physical responses to scary but exciting situations will be the same as scary but unsafe traumatic events.

Try not to dwell on possible traumatic events when talking to your child about keeping safe. Reassure them that they are unlikely to come into contact with people who would hurt them.

What can they do when they sense danger?

When their early warning signs alert them something is wrong they need to take action. Tell them if someone is doing something that makes them feel scared they could move away, tell the person to stop or get someone to help them.

Give them ideas such as yelling or doing something gross to distract the person. For example, spitting or pretending to vomit will give them time to get away. Tell them that these are only suggestions and they have your permission to do anything they can at the time.

Ella, 10 years, liked her cousin Mike coming to babysit. He let her stay up late and watch TV programs her mother wouldn’t let her watch. But one night he moved very close to her and put his arm along the back of the couch behind her.

He said he could see she was growing up. He put his hand on her breast ‘to see how big she was getting’. She felt so scared that her throat went tight and dry. When she tried to tell him to stop no sound came out.

She pushed him away, ran into her mother’s room and locked the door. Feeling safe she then used the phone beside the bed to ring the next door neighbour.

Ella had acted on her ‘early warning sign’. In this case her throat felt tight and dry. Her mother had talked to her about how her body felt when she was scared. Ella had said her throat had felt tight and dry when she had watched a scary movie. When Mike had touched her she recognised she was in danger and needed to do something. Ella had acted early and was safe.

Child sexual abuse is abhorrent. Unfortunately it is easy to pass on your horror and fear of it when talking to your child. Passing your feelings of fear and anxiety to them is not helpful.

We can’t frighten children into feeling safe. The best way to protect your child from sexual abuse is to build their inner strength and self-confidence so that in the event of potential abuse they will not feel powerless and will know what to do.

Keeping children safe from bullying, sexual harassment and sexual abuse #1

You want to keep your child safe in many potentially risky situations. Teaching your toddler the rules of road safety, not to step off the bus or train until it has stopped, and care with electrical appliances are examples. Other risks to their safety are bullying, sexual harassment and sexual abuse.

Zara (9 years) had been quiet and moody for a few weeks and I couldn’t find out what was wrong.I put it down to the fact her periods had started and she was going through a moody phase.

Then one morning she burst into tears saying the boys at school had been teasing her about the size of her breasts and snapping her bra.

-Marguarite, mother of four

The boys at school were verbally and physically harassing Zara. Sexual harassment can happen at any school and at any age.

Pushing, shoving, unwanted touching and fondling are common and children learn that harassment happens despite the school policies and rules that may be in place.

There are children and adults who will disregard your child’s personal boundaries. Sexual harassment can be spoken, written or physical, for example wolf-whistling, making obscene gestures, writing notes, texting, standing too close or unwanted touching.

Tell your child they have a right to have their personal space respected, and they can get help to stop harassment. When you are talking about family rules and respecting people’s boundaries, suggest ways to respond to people who harass them.

Sex play in 3 to 5-year-olds

William and Stacey had both recently turned 3 and were from different families. They lived in the same household and were always playing together. Stacey’s mother Cherry walked into the bedroom to find William lying naked on the bed. Stacey was rubbing talcum powder all over his body. William was loving it and lay there with an erection. Cherry left them playing, feeling comfortable they were both enjoying themselves and that it was harmless play. 5 minutes later they were both busy playing outside.

Pre-schoolers start to become curious about the sexual differences between boys and girls, and compare themselves with others. They explore their bodies including their sexual parts. They learn by looking at each other, by touching and by playing games such as ‘doctors and nurses’ or mimicking adult sexual behaviour. Children’s interest in sex and sex play does not take over their whole playtime and is just one of many things they want to explore.

Is your child’s sex play normal? Parents often ask this. What is normal sexually oriented behaviour in 3 – 5 year-olds? A study found that children enjoyed being naked, and masturbated openly at age three, but less so by age five. They found children’s sex play, such as touching each other’s genitals, involved curiosity rather than sexual awareness. Pre-schoolers are curious about their bodies and enjoy being touched. Young children love sensuality and seek physical experiences. Through play they learn lessons they will need to fully experience their sexuality as adults. Their play is characterised by excitement, sensuality, spontaneity and openness. It is easy for parents to forget that their child’s sex play is very different from adult sexual activity, which is characterised by passion, eroticism and privacy.

As long as there is no physical danger, there is no need for parents to worry about sex play if the children are about the same age and size, and if the children are not being made to do something they don’t want to do. When children are of a similar age and size it is less likely that one child will persuade the other to do something they are uncomfortable with. Most sex play is between children who are friends or siblings.

David shared this story at a parent’s workshop:

I have three sons aged 4 to 7 who have lots of fun together. But they have a new game in the evening after their bath. They use the bed as a trampoline, jumping and rolling about naked. That’s okay but they get very excited and have started grabbing each other’s genitals. I’m wondering if I should stop them.

-David, father of three sons

After talking about the game with the other parents he decided the game could be unsafe and he would talk to his sons. The messages he wanted to give them was that their genitals were sensitive and easily hurt and they needed to be more careful in their play.

When children are found playing sex games they are often embarrassed, especially if they learn their parents do not approve. If they are asked to stop and play something else they will, at least while adults are present. They usually enjoy these games just as they do other games but they won’t be particularly upset by changing activities.

If you find children playing sex games and you are not sure how to react, take a deep breath and think first. Many things children find confusing or frightening are caused by the way parents react. If you show dismay or indicate your child’s behaviour is dangerous they may become concerned that something bad will happen to them. If they aren’t worried or upset about the game, treat it in a low-key manner and redirect them if you think it is necessary. Think about the message you want to get across to your child. This message will be important in their developing understanding of sex and sexuality.

The message might be that it is okay to be curious about others but that the sexual parts of their own and others’ bodies are private. You could say:

I see you are playing a game about your bodies. You can learn by looking at each other but remember that this part of your body is private. You can also learn by looking at books. Let’s go and look at some books together.

Setting clear boundaries in a non-judgemental way will guide your child away from unsafe activities. For example, you may need to be clear that it isn’t safe to push anything into the vagina (a common experiment during water play).

At what age #4: At what age should I talk to my child about sexual abuse?

You want your child to be safe. You want to be able to protect them from danger. But the reality is you can’t always be there to protect them. When talking to your child about keeping safe, try not to dwell on possible traumatic events. Reassure them that they are unlikely to come into contact with people who would hurt them. Prepare them so that they know what to do if something bad happens. Give them the language to use for parts of the body, including the sexual parts of the body. Let them know that their body is special and that noone should ever hurt them.

Children can learn how to recognise an unsafe situation, learn how to stay in control and what to do to get out of danger. One way to recognise an unsafe situation is to know the way the body responds when you are scared. Adrenalin is released and the heart beats faster, the blood is redirected to the muscles for action, breathing becomes rapid and you feel alert. When you are in danger the body has one or more ‘early warning signs’. Your child doesn’t need to know about adrenalin but can recognise the signs from the time they are 4 or 5 years old. For example, their knees might feel like jelly, you they may have an urge to urinate, their palms feel sweaty or they get a feeling of butterflies in the stomach.

Teaching your child to recognise these signs means they can be alert to possible danger. Help them identify these signs by relating them to a scary but safe experience they have had recently. For example, a roller coaster ride or their first time on a water slide. Their physical responses to scary but exciting situations will be the same as scary but unsafe traumatic events.

What can they do when they sense danger?
When their early warning signs alert them something is wrong they need to take action. Tell them if someone is doing something that makes them feel scared they could move away, tell the person to stop or get someone to help them. Give them ideas such as yelling or doing something gross to distract the person. For example, spitting or pretending to vomit will give them time to get away. Tell them that these are only suggestions and they have your permission to do anything they can at the time.

Ella, 10 years, liked her cousin Mike coming to babysit. He let her stay up late and watch TV programs her mother wouldn’t let her watch. But one night he moved very close to her and put his arm along the back of the couch behind her. He said he could see she was growing up. He put his hand on her breast ‘to see how big she was getting’. She felt so scared that her throat went tight and dry. When she tried to tell him to stop no sound came out. She pushed him away, ran into her mother’s room and locked the door. Feeling safe she then used the phone beside the bed to ring the next door neighbour.

Ella had acted on her ‘early warning sign’. In this case her throat felt tight and dry. Her mother had talked to her about how her body felt when she was scared. Ella had said her throat had felt tight and dry when she had watched a scary movie. When Mike touched her she recognised she was in danger and needed to do something. Ella had acted early and was safe.

Child sexual abuse is abhorrent. Unfortunately it is easy to pass on your horror and fear of it when talking to your child. Abusers are usually known and even loved by the child so try not to talk about ‘stranger danger’. Passing your feelings of fear and anxiety to them is not helpful. We can’t frighten children into feeling safe. The best way to protect your child from sexual abuse is to build their inner strength and self-confidence so that in the event of potential abuse they will not feel powerless, will know what to do and will talk to you about it.

My six-year-old son looks at porn with his friends. What should I do?

A mother shared her concern with me about this situation:

I was shocked to find my six-year-old son looking at porn magazines with his friends. They tried acting out what they saw. I am worried about the effect of this on my son. What should I do?

My answer: I’m sure your son is okay. Of course you are worried and could start thinking he has something wrong with him. But let’s put what he has done in perspective for his age. He has found pornographic pictures and had an exciting time looking at them with his friends. His excitement would have been very normal, they probably felt a bit naughty at finding pictures like this and thought the people looked funny doing funny things to each other. That is very different than the way an adult might be sexually excited by them. So then he tried some of those things out, acting out what in his child’s mind he thought they were doing. That would have been exciting too, doing something daring and completely outside his normal experience. It also would feel good for him – but in a normal, childlike, exciting and sensual way rather than a sexually arousing way.

Children don’t experience the same sexual desire and erotic feelings as adults. They will start to have those feelings when they get that surge of hormones during puberty, but not when they are children. For him, it may not seem that he has been very bad. In fact, although I can understand your worry, his behaviour or these experiences are not going to have any long term effects on his life or any of the other childrens.

Now lets look at your reaction. Understandably you were shocked when you heard that he had had access to pornography and about his behaviour. Give him clear guidelines – that he shouldn’t touch or look at the private parts of people’s bodies or let anyone do that to him. Tell him you love him and that he is special and don’t worry that there is something wrong with him. There are differences between child and adult sexuality. From my book From Birth to Puberty: “Children’s sex play is normal if it involves curiosity and play; if it is spontaneous and open; and if it involves sensuality and excitement rather than eroticism.”

Fathers and intimacy

Larry cared for his daughter Kate during the day, fitting his work on their farm around the time she was at kindergarten. Sometimes Kate asked her friend Vicky to come and play at her house. Larry became aware that Vicky’s mother was hesitating to agree to this. He sensed her anxiety about having them alone with him on the farm. He became fearful that if Vicky’s mother accused him of wrongdoing he would have no witnesses to support him. He made a decision not to have other children to play at home with Kate unless another adult was present.

Men like Larry who care for children alone may feel they need to be more cautious when their children’s friends come home to play. Larry decided to make sure other adults were present when Kate had her friends home to play. He could also have talked to Vicky’s mother about her fears. Larry is a great role model for Kate and her friends in his caring for the children and it would be beneficial for all of them if he continued. Talking about it to other men who are in a similar situation would also be helpful.

People have become increasingly aware of child abuse and many agencies are working together to identify and reduce the problem. Fathers need to be aware that there have been cases in which a father’s behaviour has been misinterpreted and false allegations of sexual abuse made. Unfortunately this possibility has caused some fathers to withdraw the intimacy they have previously enjoyed with their children. This in turn has a negative effect on the relationship between the father and his child. It also reinforces the male stereotype that men are not as competent as women in the nurturing and caring role for children. It is very important that you as a father continue to show affection to your child and take a positive role in the caring of your child.

Keeping your child safe

There are many skills your child can learn from you to help them stay safe. Giving them these skills before they reach puberty is your responsibility. Even if your child’s school has a good program about keeping safe, don’t rely on the school to do it for you. Parents are the first and most important teachers, and your child needs to learn about keeping safe from you.

Try some of these suggestions:

• Teach them that the private parts of their body are special and that no one can look at or touch those parts without their permission.
• Help them identify at least one early warning sign. These are the first ways our bodies tell us that we are not feeling safe. They are physical sensations. Examples of early warning signs are: their legs feel like jelly, their throat feels tight and dry, their heart starts pounding or their stomach feels funny.
• Use fairytales to talk about early warning signs. For example you may be telling the story about ‘The three little pigs.’ You could ask “How does the little pig feel when the wolf is outside huffing and puffing and trying to blow the little pig’s house down? What are his early warning signs?”
• Help them identify people they know they can trust. They could be in the family, at their preschool or school, or in the community. These are the people to talk to if they are worried or in trouble.
• As your child goes through puberty they need to have other trusted adults they can talk to. At this age it becomes more difficult for a father to fill this role with his son. Make sure boys know other men care for them throughout their lives – an uncle, or coach, a male teacher, or a family friend.
• Find out what sexuality education your child’s school is providing and see what you can do to support it. Young people need to have the confidence to enjoy early sexual feelings without going on to have sexual intercourse. Sexuality education at puberty will help them do this.
• You could take action to support sexuality education at your school. You may also be in a position to develop policies that address sexuality issues.
• Don’t withdraw the natural affection and intimacy that you share with your child for fear of unfairly being accused of sexual abuse.
• Don’t expect your child to kiss, hug or sit on someone’s lap if they don’t want to.