Normal sexual development at age 9-12
At age nine to twelve most pre-adolescents:
- Are conscious they are developing into young adults
- Are aware of their sexuality and how they express it
- Are concerned about what is normal, for example, are other people also thinking about sex?
- Have questions about how and when puberty will happen
- Understand jokes with sexual content
- Put a high value on their privacy
Almost every parent finds it hard to talk to their preteen about sex. We don’t get much practice talking about it, and often our parents weren’t very good at talking about it either. This blog gives you examples, techniques and exercises to help you hone your skills.
There is no ‘right’ way to respond. No method works all the time and what works with one child may not work with another. So take the examples presented here as guides. Apply and adapt them. Don’t be hung up on method or technique, the best thing you can do is to respond in a positive manner to their questions.
While our replies to children’s questions are important, they are only part of how we influence them. If you are embarrassed, ignore or delay answering a question your child will quickly conclude that this is a topic that makes Mum or Dad uneasy. Children may think that the topic is just taboo – unmentionable. They may decide to find less reliable sources of information about sexuality such as their friends.
Non-verbal cues – body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, will show children that parents are uncomfortable. If this is how you feel it is best to tell them you are uncomfortable but you are pleased they asked the question, it is important and you are happy to discuss it. You could say that you would rather they asked you than their friends, and if you don’t know the answer you will find out for them.
It helps if you are clear about your own values and attitudes toward sexuality and are willing to talk about them with your partner or other adults. You can then confidently share your family values with your child.
