Ask Me Anything

Boys are not being taught what they want to know in sex education classes,  recent UK research has found. The study by Middlesex University was of boys in year 12 (age 16) at eight schools.

Boys were asked what they wanted to learn from from a sex and relationship course and how they wanted to be taught.

They wanted more sex education at an earlier age. The areas of feelings, sexuality, sexual techniques, sexually transmitted infections, pornography and the effects of ‘boy culture’ were not addressed sufficiently, or not at all.

Boys also called for smaller class sizes, more active methods of teaching and some boys-only sessions to be able to express themselves freely without girls present.  There was also a strong view expressed that they wanted to know ‘what it’s like to be a girl’ from girls themselves.

The 2007 study collected data from a questionnaire and from three focus groups in three schools.  The study is likely to be relevant to sex education programs outside the UK – I’ll present the findings in more detail in later posts.

Regular readers of this blog may know (or maybe not?) that I have written a popular parenting book on children’s sexual development.

It’s titled From Birth to Puberty – Helping your child develop a healthy sexuality.

It features the topics that I have blogged here in more depth, with case studies and questions and answers. Order a copy from suntime(at)fastmail.fm

We go off-topic (for exceptional reasons I think you would agree) to say to CONGRATULATIONS to the new PRESIDENT-ELECT of the United States of America. A stunning victory yesterday.

A mother shared this concern a while ago. It is an issue for some parents:

“My 5-year-old daughter stole a swimsuit calendar and kept hold of a number of these pictures for some length of time before I discovered them. She seems to be preoccupied with sex stars on TV shows. She talks about wanting to visit Hooters so she can see the girls. She begged my (oblivious) husband into buying a Baywatch DVD, claiming that she was interested in lifeguarding. I look at the way she is and the way I was, and I just don’t know what to think. I was never like this, and don’t know anybody who was. I’m stuck between trying to explain “too much” to her, and not knowing if this is just a healthy curiosity. “

Don’t be too concerned. It is normal for 5-year-olds to be absorbed in one type of play. Typically their play is about dinosaurs, playing with dolls, dressing up or drawing. In your daughter’s case, she is fascinated by TV stars. Perhaps you could redirect her interest in something related such as fashion, steering her interest from the model’s bodies and behaviour to the clothing they wear. She could start a scrapbook of fashion and you could help her find pictures in magazines that you have chosen for her. Reinforce interest she shows in other activities and ensure she has enough opportunities to play with other 5-year-olds.

Try not to let this issue create tension in your relationship with her and remember she is only five. She is looking at things from a child’s perspective. Talk about it with your husband so you take a consistent approach and so she doesn’t try to manipulate both of you to get what she wants. Remember you are her parents, you make the rules, and you are the ones setting the boundaries. Tell her you love her and point out all the positive qualities you see in her. If she stubbornly refuses to cooperate use her interest to your advantage. For example after she goes to 3-4 swimming lessons or goes swimming with you on three occasions she could have a treat to watch Baywatch. You will be reinforcing more appropriate behaviour.

Talking about sex encourage to a 9-year-old will not encourage them to experiment. Young people are curious about sex. Their interest is normal and healthy. If your son or daughter asks when you first had sex, how often you have sex or how many people you have had sex with think carefully about how much you want to disclose. They don’t need to know your personal details but they still want answers. Try to answer them in a general way. For example you could tell them that some people have sex every day at one stage in their lives and may have sex once a month at other times in their lives.

Young people with an open communication about sex with their parents are more likely to delay having sex until they are older and are less likely to get pregnant when they are teenagers. In upcoming posts Ask Me Anything will give more ideas on how to answer questions about sex.

There are many skills your child can learn from you to help them stay safe. Giving them these skills before they reach puberty is your responsibility. Even if your child’s school has a good program about keeping safe, don’t rely on the school to do it for you. Parents are the first and most important teachers, and your child needs to learn about keeping safe from you.

Try some of these suggestions:

• Teach them that the private parts of their body are special and that no one can look at or touch those parts without their permission.
• Help them identify at least one early warning sign. These are the first ways our bodies tell us that we are not feeling safe. They are physical sensations. Examples of early warning signs are: their legs feel like jelly, their throat feels tight and dry, their heart starts pounding or their stomach feels funny.
• Use fairytales to talk about early warning signs. For example you may be telling the story about ‘The three little pigs.’ You could ask “How does the little pig feel when the wolf is outside huffing and puffing and trying to blow the little pig’s house down? What are his early warning signs?”
• Help them identify people they know they can trust. They could be in the family, at their preschool or school, or in the community. These are the people to talk to if they are worried or in trouble.
• As your child goes through puberty they need to have other trusted adults they can talk to. At this age it becomes more difficult for a father to fill this role with his son. Make sure boys know other men care for them throughout their lives – an uncle, or coach, a male teacher, or a family friend.
• Find out what sexuality education your child’s school is providing and see what you can do to support it. Young people need to have the confidence to enjoy early sexual feelings without going on to have sexual intercourse. Sexuality education at puberty will help them do this.
• You could take action to support sexuality education at your school. You may also be in a position to develop policies that address sexuality issues.
• Don’t withdraw the natural affection and intimacy that you share with your child for fear of unfairly being accused of sexual abuse.
• Don’t expect your child to kiss, hug or sit on someone’s lap if they don’t want to.

This blog is about child sexual development from birth to puberty. It is for parents, teachers and caregivers. Our aim is to provide information about and to promote understanding of children’s normal sexual development.

The focus is on practicing the parenting skills needed to help children develop a healthy sexuality.

We invite you to read our posts which include case studies, advice and answers to questions from parents and children.

Parents of young children are the target of our first posts. We address questions that parents have either asked us directly, or asked how they could answer their children’s questions.

The case study posts highlight situations that parents experience with their children. Our commentary will give you ideas to help you and your children in similar situations.