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Regular readers of this blog may know (or maybe not?) that I have written a popular parenting book on children’s sexual development.

It’s titled From Birth to Puberty – Helping your child develop a healthy sexuality.

It features the topics that I have blogged here in more depth, with case studies and questions and answers. Order a copy from suntime(at)fastmail.fm

Jane’s husband Bob, 40, was circumcised as a baby and had an expectation that his new son James would also have the operation. Bob was surprised when told by the doctor that the operation was no longer standard procedure and would not be performed at the unit where his son was born.

Circumcision is the complete or partial removal of the foreskin of the penis. The operation is usually performed a few days after birth. When your first son is born you may not have given much thought to a decision about circumcision. You may feel pressured into making a hasty decision. You may feel that you have little choice as circumcision is not a routine procedure in many hospitals.

In the operation the foreskin is cut to allow it to be pulled back behind the glans (head) of the penis. The foreskin consists of a double layer of skin that, without circumcision, covers the glans. Until recently in Western countries the operation has been widely practiced as a hygienic procedure. In many hospitals it has been routinely performed on newborn boys. It is estimated that circumcision occurs in about one sixth of the world’s population and is probably the oldest surgical operation, dating back some 6000 years to ancient Egypt. Overall, the medical value of circumcision may be highest in places or countries where poverty and disease make good standards of hygiene difficult. Recent research has found that circumcised men have a lower risk of HIV infection compared to uncircumcised men in parts of Africa.

Parents may request circumcision for religious reasons. For traditional Jewish and Muslim families, circumcision is a religious duty, usually done shortly after birth or sometimes in childhood. In other cultures circumcision is part of a ritual performed at puberty, representing the end of childhood and the beginning of manhood. Other reasons people ask for their boys to be circumcised are because they believe circumcision will prevent disease, reduce masturbation, reduce sexual desire, as a treatment for bed-wetting or is necessary because the foreskin is too long.

The operation is now performed in Australia, New Zealand and the UK if it is in the interests of the child, not the parents. As in other areas of medicine the trend is to avoid unnecessary intervention. The main medical reason to circumcise is when the foreskin prevents the normal flow of urine.

Many mothers enjoy the intimacy of breast-feeding their babies. By the time their babies are toddlers they are usually weaned. However some of the behaviours learned during this time may persist as this story indicates.

When Averil was breast-feeding Katherine, Katherine would tuck her hand inside her mother’s blouse and onto her mother’s breast. At 12 months when Averil carried her in her arms Katherine would still do the same, and place her hand on her breast. It became a habit and occurred particularly when Katherine needed reassurance or felt unsure of a situation. It started to become embarrassing for Averil as Katherine grew older.

This was a difficult behaviour for Averil to change, and Katherine was not free of the habit until she was 2 and a half years old. Often we do not recognise that a behaviour has become a habit until it becomes a problem. We tell ourselves it’s a stage they are going through and it will pass. When should you start setting boundaries to stop a behaviour becoming a habit? The best time is when you first start wondering if it could be a problem. Talking about it with a friend will put it in perspective and help you decide what to do.

When Darryn was 3 years old he liked to lift up my top and stroke my pregnant tummy and press his cheek against it. After his little sister was born he still did it, and I thought it was harmless at first. But he continued to do it and I became increasingly uncomfortable. I tried to stop him but he kept trying to lift my top even when he was five.

-Cindy, mother of two

This behaviour may have been appropriate when Cindy was pregnant but it became an issue when it continued after the birth of her baby. Darryn was not respecting Cindy’s personal boundaries. If Cindy had set clear boundaries after the baby was born the problem would not have developed. Cindy could have said to Darryn, “Do you like feeling the skin on Mummy’s tummy? I didn’t mind you touching my tummy to feel the baby inside but now our baby is born I don’t want you to do it”. Setting boundaries is a balancing act though. Too many limits may cause anxiety or guilty feelings about sexuality and lead to your child avoiding talking about it with you.