Ask Me Anything

Boys are not being taught what they want to know in sex education classes,  recent UK research has found. The study by Middlesex University was of boys in year 12 (age 16) at eight schools.

Boys were asked what they wanted to learn from from a sex and relationship course and how they wanted to be taught.

They wanted more sex education at an earlier age. The areas of feelings, sexuality, sexual techniques, sexually transmitted infections, pornography and the effects of ‘boy culture’ were not addressed sufficiently, or not at all.

Boys also called for smaller class sizes, more active methods of teaching and some boys-only sessions to be able to express themselves freely without girls present.  There was also a strong view expressed that they wanted to know ‘what it’s like to be a girl’ from girls themselves.

The 2007 study collected data from a questionnaire and from three focus groups in three schools.  The study is likely to be relevant to sex education programs outside the UK – I’ll present the findings in more detail in later posts.

Your 10-year-old son (or 11 or 12-year-old son or daughter) has never asked you any questions about sex.

You may assume that they know all they need to know at their age, or they may have told you that “I already know all about it.”

Sometimes a child may resist their parents efforts to talk about puberty and sexuality. They may protest and walk out of the room when you raise the subject.

What can you do in this situation? A good first step is to ask yourself why they are behaving this way. It could be they are embarrassed, or they think they should already know the answers. They may know a little and think they know a lot. Or your past reactions may have taught them not to ask.

Here are some suggestions of things you could do.

Use incidents on TV shows to start discussions about relationships and sexuality. Soaps and sitcoms  are scripted with many aspects of relationships, and sexuality topics are frequent. You could ask, “How do you feel about what that person did? What might happen because of their choice?”  This gives the message that there are choices in sexual situations and that people should think about the choices they make.

Talk about sexuality with another adult while your child is present. For example, “Have you seen the news report about…?” The message to your son or daughter is that it is okay to talk about sex in this family.

Ask your preteen to help you explain something to a younger child. For example, ask your 11-year-old son to help you talk to his eight-year-old brother about his aunt’s pregnancy. This will give the 11-year-old a face-saving reason for listening to what you have to say. The younger brother is likely to ask questions the 11-year-old also wants to have answered.

Regular readers of this blog may know (or maybe not?) that I have written a popular parenting book on children’s sexual development.

It’s titled From Birth to Puberty – Helping your child develop a healthy sexuality.

It features the topics that I have blogged here in more depth, with case studies and questions and answers. Order a copy from suntime(at)fastmail.fm

Here’s an example answer to this question from a 9 to 12- year-old:

“When a woman has an unplanned pregnancy she must decide whether to go ahead and have a baby.

In the early stages of pregnancy a woman can have an operation or take pills to end the pregnancy. This called an abortion.

It is up to the woman to decide what will be best for themselves and their family, however her partner and others close to her will help her to make the decision. Having a baby and caring for children is a big responsibility.”

You may also say that some people believe abortion should be available to all women and others do not. Outline the legal situation where you live. You could also talk about people’s different cultural and religious beliefs and practices about abortion.

Your child may be interested in TV programs that have explicit sexual content. They are curious to know what sex is all about and it is natural for them to be very interested in the sexual exploits of their favourite TV characters.

Not only sex but sexual messages are conveyed on many television programs, commercials and  on internet videos on social networking websites. Common sexual themes are sexual relationships, sex and gender roles, body image, and how people talk about sex.

By watching TV with your child you can use programs to talk about sexuality issues and values. Using these opportunities will strengthen your communication with them.

You can set boundaries to limit television and internet viewing to appropriate programs and sites. While you can use technology to block TV channels and “net nanny” internet sites at home, your child may see material you feel is inappropriate outside the home.

If this happens your child is more likely to talk to you about it when you have established an open communication with them. You could explain that the sex and the relationships between characters in a TV show are very different than those in everyday life.

When your 9 to 12-year-old child asks personal questions such as this, think about how much you want to disclose.

They don’t need to know your personal details but they still want answers. Try to answer them in a general way.

For example you could say,

‘Some adults have sex every day, others once a month and others not at all.’

You could go on to explain that everyone is different and their needs change at different stages in their life.

When answering this question from a 9 to 12-year-old son or daughter give the important facts:

‘AIDS is an illness caused by a virus called HIV.

People can be infected with this virus by having sex with an infected person, sharing needles when using drugs, having a blood transfusion with infected blood, or a HIV positive mother can pass it on to her baby during breastfeeding.’

Talking about the actions that put someone at risk of HIV is more accurate than talking about the groups of people who are more likely to be infected with the virus.

You may go on to say that a person with HIV may be healthy for many years, especially with treatment, but when they have AIDS they are very sick and then the condition is difficult to treat.

My mother told me nothing about periods, so when it happened I freaked out. I don’t want that to happen to my daughter but I don’t know how to say it. It’s a big culture issue for us.

-Moana, Maori mother of three girls

Most women know of other women who weren’t prepared for their first period. The unexpected bleeding can shock girls. Some may think they have cancer or are dying because of the pain and bleeding. Some girls feel they are being punished.

If you find it difficult to talk to your daughter try talking to other mothers about it first. Young girls want to hear about periods from their mothers, and their early personal experiences of them.

Alternatively tell your daughter you are finding it hard to talk about this because it is such a sensitive and important issue. She will appreciate your honesty and you will find it much easier once you get started.

If you talk to your daughter and she seems uninterested be sure to come back later and show her you are comfortable answering questions.

Your daughter may wonder what her period will be like and worry that it may start with a flood in the middle of the day. You can tell her that doesn’t usually happen.

She will usually notice a small amount of blood and mucus when she gets up in the morning. However she could take some spare underwear and a pad in her school bag or overnight bag if she is staying away from home.

Girls usually experience some period pain and sometimes it can be severe. It may be low back pain, pelvic pain and may radiate down the legs. Some girls have an upset stomach, feel nauseous or even vomit on the first day of their period.

These symptoms are usually caused by the release of prostaglandins. Medication is available to reduce the amount of prostaglandins released and is therefore more effective if taken 12 – 24 hours before the period starts.

Buy a supply of pads for your daughter so that she is prepared. She may wish to try using tampons after managing her first periods using pads. At night it is safer to continue to use pads, as tampons need to be changed every 3-4 hours.

A common misconception is that women cannot use tampons until after they have experienced sexual intercourse. They are able to use tampons even when their hymen is intact. The hymen is a piece of skin inside and partially closing the vagina. By puberty the hymen will often already be stretched open through normal physical activity.

Answering the question from your 9 to 12-year-old can be straightforward:

“Sex is wonderful sensual experience for adults and a way of showing love and affection.

While sex may seem a bit strange to you at your age it is natural for adults to have sexual feelings and to have fun making love. “

With this answer you are giving positive messages about sex and are clear this is something that adults do, not children.

However you may also want to take the opportunity to talk about the risks some young people take by experimenting with sex when they are too young, and how you would want your child to behave when they have their first boyfriend or girlfriend.