Ask Me Anything

Regular readers of this blog may know (or maybe not?) that I have written a popular parenting book on children’s sexual development.

It’s titled From Birth to Puberty – Helping your child develop a healthy sexuality.

It features the topics that I have blogged here in more depth, with case studies and questions and answers. Order a copy from suntime(at)fastmail.fm

Fay shared this story about her son at a parent evening:

John had developed a habit of holding onto his penis when he was anxious as a young child and continued to do it occasionally during his junior school years. He seemed unaware of the behaviour. Jane found it embarrassing and hoped he would stop but didn’t say anything to him about it.

When John was nine years old he had written a prize-winning speech and was asked to repeat the speech at the end of year prize giving. Standing up in front of the assembly of children and parents he gave his speech, with one hand firmly holding his penis. Jane felt so embarrassed for him as she heard the whispering and sniggering from his schoolmates. Now she wishes she had helped him by bringing it to his attention when it first occurred.

If your child is often touching or holding their genitals at age 6 or 7 it is probably because something is worrying them. Try to work out what the problem is. Telling a child who is masturbating for comfort or merely holding themselves for comfort not to do so is likely to make them more anxious. Try saying, “I can see you are feeling worried about something, come and I’ll give you hug.”

When a 4-year-old is under stress it is common for them to hold their genitals and to have the urge to relieve themselves. It may have become a habit by the time they start school. You can discourage this by quietly raising their awareness when it occurs so that the behaviour doesn’t persist.

Here are some more examples of ways you could answer questions from a 3-5-year-old:

How did I get out of your tummy?

“You were growing in a special place in my tummy called a womb. When you were ready to be born the womb helped to push you through a stretchy opening between my legs called the vagina.”

Young children like basic factual information and are usually satisfied with an answer such as the answer here. If they don’t understand they will ask more questions. Their questions are usually expressed in a matter-of-fact way and that is the way to answer them.

Why do people kiss?

“When two adults kiss each other in a sexy way it feels nice for them. Kissing is a way they share their love for each other.”

Can I drink your milk like a baby?

“When you had my milk you were a baby. You could only drink from my breast or a bottle. Now you are four and you can drink your milk from a cup.”

These are questions from 3-5-year-old girls that you can answer in simple terms:

Why does Daddy stand up to pee?

“Daddy has a penis which he uses to pee. That makes easy for him to pee when he’s standing. It’s the same for all men and boys. It’s different for girls who need to sit on the toilet. If girls try to stand and pee it could go on the floor.”

Why can’t I be a boy?

“When you were born you were a little girl and you will be a beautiful woman when you grow up. You can learn to do everything that boys can. Why do you want to be a boy?”

Some children go through a phase of wanting to be the other sex. It can be associated with a negative experience they have had with an adult of their own sex. Finding out what is behind the question will help you deal with it.

You could answer him something like this:

“I think Britney looks very pretty in her pink dress and I think it would be fun for you to have a dress that you could wear when you are playing dress-ups. But little boys don’t usually wear dresses so I don’t think we can get a dress for you. Would you like me to see if I can buy a pink T-shirt for you?”

In this way you are giving your son guidance about what you want him to wear but accepting that he can also wear pretty colours. Both boys and girls like to dress-up as adults and may act out roles of the opposite sex. When a little boy puts on a dress and make-up it doesn’t mean he is rejecting his male role. When playing make-believe and dressing up children are spontaneously and openly acting out the various activities that are part of their everyday life.

Where’s my fuckin bucket?

Jason, age 4, has the family’s undivided attention. How will they react? Children learn swearwords if not from you, then from other children or adults. They become aware that these words are powerful and that they can get attention or a strong reaction from adults when they use them.

Swearwords are typically words to do with sex, sexual parts, or going to the toilet. These topics hold an intense interest for children because of the privacy and secrecy that surround them. Consequently children find there is something exciting and daring in using swearwords. They may create their own words such as poo-face or widdle-diddle and use them with delight.

How should you respond? Think about what you want your child to consider when using these words. You may want them to learn not to use that language at home, or that it is rude to swear or that it may upset other people when they hear them using these words. Children quickly learn that there are different rules for different places and situations. Sometimes it is simply best to ignore it. The fascination soon passes if they don’t get a reaction.

How should you deal with your 4-year-old son if he is frequently holding or rubbing his penis? The message you want to give him is that it is okay for him to play with his penis but it is something he should do in private. Tell him,

Rubbing your penis is something you do in private, so you can do that in your bedroom, which is a private place. You don’t do that in front of other people.

This will let him know that there’s nothing wrong with what he’s doing, but that it will embarrass other people if he does it when they’re around. If you are anxious about talking with your child about sensitive subjects, rehearse the words and the subject matter beforehand.

A mother shared this concern a while ago. It is an issue for some parents:

“My 5-year-old daughter stole a swimsuit calendar and kept hold of a number of these pictures for some length of time before I discovered them. She seems to be preoccupied with sex stars on TV shows. She talks about wanting to visit Hooters so she can see the girls. She begged my (oblivious) husband into buying a Baywatch DVD, claiming that she was interested in lifeguarding. I look at the way she is and the way I was, and I just don’t know what to think. I was never like this, and don’t know anybody who was. I’m stuck between trying to explain “too much” to her, and not knowing if this is just a healthy curiosity. “

Don’t be too concerned. It is normal for 5-year-olds to be absorbed in one type of play. Typically their play is about dinosaurs, playing with dolls, dressing up or drawing. In your daughter’s case, she is fascinated by TV stars. Perhaps you could redirect her interest in something related such as fashion, steering her interest from the model’s bodies and behaviour to the clothing they wear. She could start a scrapbook of fashion and you could help her find pictures in magazines that you have chosen for her. Reinforce interest she shows in other activities and ensure she has enough opportunities to play with other 5-year-olds.

Try not to let this issue create tension in your relationship with her and remember she is only five. She is looking at things from a child’s perspective. Talk about it with your husband so you take a consistent approach and so she doesn’t try to manipulate both of you to get what she wants. Remember you are her parents, you make the rules, and you are the ones setting the boundaries. Tell her you love her and point out all the positive qualities you see in her. If she stubbornly refuses to cooperate use her interest to your advantage. For example after she goes to 3-4 swimming lessons or goes swimming with you on three occasions she could have a treat to watch Baywatch. You will be reinforcing more appropriate behaviour.

When I grow up can I marry you?

Some pre-school children become intensely attached to the parent of the opposite sex and even feel jealous of the other parent. They want to snuggle up to them in bed, watch them get dressed and may want to touch their genitals. They may say that when they grow up they want to marry them.

It is up to you to be understanding but also be honest. For example the favoured parent might say, “I love you too but when you grow up you will meet someone you own age who is special and who you love”. By the time they get to school this devotion to one parent will usually have become less intense.

Why don’t I have a willy?

“You are a girl and you have a special private place called a vulva. If you were a boy you would have a special private place called a penis. Some people call a penis a willy.”

Pre-schoolers start to become curious about the sexual differences between boys and girls and compare themselves with others. Use these opportunities to teach your child the correct words for parts of the body and also to clarify some of the words they may hear from other children.