Ask Me Anything

A parent asked me this question after her son’s school principal called her about her son:

The school principal called to say my 7-year-old son had “taken his penis out on the bus”. The principal went on to say this was serious and was a matter that we, as parents, had to address this with our son as a serious misconduct.

My husband and I sat him down that evening to discuss the whole matter, he was very ashamed of what he’d done. He knows, but we repeated the fact that “private parts” are just that etc, etc.

My main concerns are: Is this normal behavior? Could this be an indication that he’s got a sexuality problem which may manifest later in life too?

My response:

Be reassured that your child’s behaviour does not sound very unusual. He was involved in an exciting “curiosity” game showing the other children his penis. Many children participate in this kind of game, usually as a “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” game.

You have quite rightly reminded him that this is a private part of his body and that this game is inappropriate. You need to be concerned if the behaviour continues and is repeated in a secretive manner involving other children in a way that upsets them. But otherwise you don’t need to worry.

Regular readers of this blog may know (or maybe not?) that I have written a popular parenting book on children’s sexual development.

It’s titled From Birth to Puberty – Helping your child develop a healthy sexuality.

It features the topics that I have blogged here in more depth, with case studies and questions and answers. Order a copy from suntime(at)fastmail.fm

All children wet their beds occasionally.  Bedwetting typically occurs in about 10% of 6-year-olds and 3% of 12-year-olds.

Bedwetting is defined as a problem when it occurs more than one night a month. A small bladder capacity, deep sleeping or a number of medical reasons may cause it.

It is more commonly a problem for boys and often runs in families. It can be very helpful for a child to know if it was also a problem for one of their parents when they were young. They will then know their parents understand how they are feeling.

Staying overnight with a friend or going on a school camp can cause extra anxiety for these children. The problem may cause considerable tension within families and embarrassment for the child. Even the most understanding parents can become frustrated and angry with repeated accidents. In these cases parents need extra support.

If the problem persists until the child is 7 years old, behavior management techniques or medication can be helpful. In this case the first step is to talk to a health professional.

Within a family, parents may differ in some of their values, such as whether it is acceptable to be naked in front of the children, whether masturbation is normal, and in attitudes toward homosexuality.

The following stories highlight some of the issues.

Brian enjoyed swimming naked in the family pool, which could not be seen by the neighbours. His wife, Jenny, objected to him doing this when their children were school age. Jenny and Brian talked about it many times, often in front of the children. Brian continued to do it, arguing that it was a perfectly natural thing to do. It was a worry to Jenny every summer for years, until Brian stopped when their daughter turned twelve.

Margaret (a European New Zealander) asked her daughter Puti (11 years) why she hadn’t washed her hair when she had a shower. Puti said her Nanny (her Maori grandmother) had told her she should never wash her hair while she had her mate (period). Margaret thought that was ridiculous. “What’s this stupid thing Nanny is telling you Puti? What right has she to tell my daughter this sort of rubbish?”

Tammy found one of the difficulties in her marriage with Hone was the way his whanau (family) treated their place as their own. Uncles, cousins and people she didn’t even know would turn up for a meal unexpectedly, borrow their tools and never return them, or just hang out drinking their beer. But what really irritated her was how they assumed it was okay to call in and take her children to the river or out visiting without asking her or Hone.

The children in these stories are receiving different messages about values from their parents, grandparents or other relatives. The last two stories highlight value differences within families when parents come from different cultural backgrounds.

There can be many differences in values between parents, including:

• The values, attitudes and beliefs about family, health, education, discipline and honesty.
• The way sexuality is expressed. For example, whether it continues to be appropriate to hug your son when he has reached puberty.
• The parents’ experience of different role models (especially their own mother and father).
• The traditions, rituals and behaviours that are part of the parents’ culture. Usually these have been handed down through many generations.

These differences can cause confusion for children if it involves conflict between parents about who is right or wrong. For example:

Don’t listen to your Dad he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

How can you avoid confusing your child with conflicting messages? How can you positively influence the values of your child and help them to decide for themselves what their personal values will be? A starting point is to clarify your own values. We will look at ways to do this in the next post.

Your child’s need for individuality
Your child needs to maintain or achieve a sense of being a separate person.

This  develops from an early age,  as a two-year-old’s tantrum demonstrates. A two-year-old will stand and demand, perform and cry, trying to get his or her own way.

If you are continually putting pressure on your child to behave as you want them to they often rebel. A common reaction to you ‘laying down the law’ is that they will deliberately rebel to oppose your authority.

Sarah (9 years) said her mother told her she should always wash her hair once a week or it would fall out. So she didn’t wash it for a month to see if her mother was right.

This kind of rebellion in children can be positive and healthy, although Sarah’s example isn’t very hygienic.

The positive outcomes include the ability to think and speak for themselves, to respect the individuality of others and not try to make others conform to their own opinions or values.

You want to keep your children safe protect them from abuse. But the reality is you can’t always be there to protect them. But you can help by preparing them so that they know what to do in unsafe situations.

Young children can learn how to recognise an unsafe situation, learn how to stay in control and what to do to get out of danger.

One way to recognise an unsafe situation is to know the way the body responds when scared. Adrenalin is released and the heart beats faster, the blood is redirected to the muscles for action, breathing becomes rapid and you feel alert.

The body has one or more ‘early warning signs’ in response to danger.  For example, your knees feel like jelly, you may have an urge to urinate, palms feel sweaty or you get a feeling of butterflies in the stomach.

Teaching your child to recognise these signs means they can be alert to possible danger. Help them identify these signs by relating them to a scary but safe experience they have had recently. For example, a roller coaster ride or their first time on a water slide. Their physical responses to scary but exciting situations will be the same as scary but unsafe traumatic events.

Try not to dwell on possible traumatic events when talking to your child about keeping safe. Reassure them that they are unlikely to come into contact with people who would hurt them.

What can they do when they sense danger?

When their early warning signs alert them something is wrong they need to take action. Tell them if someone is doing something that makes them feel scared they could move away, tell the person to stop or get someone to help them.

Give them ideas such as yelling or doing something gross to distract the person. For example, spitting or pretending to vomit will give them time to get away. Tell them that these are only suggestions and they have your permission to do anything they can at the time.

Ella, 10 years, liked her cousin Mike coming to babysit. He let her stay up late and watch TV programs her mother wouldn’t let her watch. But one night he moved very close to her and put his arm along the back of the couch behind her.

He said he could see she was growing up. He put his hand on her breast ‘to see how big she was getting’. She felt so scared that her throat went tight and dry. When she tried to tell him to stop no sound came out.

She pushed him away, ran into her mother’s room and locked the door. Feeling safe she then used the phone beside the bed to ring the next door neighbour.

Ella had acted on her ‘early warning sign’. In this case her throat felt tight and dry. Her mother had talked to her about how her body felt when she was scared. Ella had said her throat had felt tight and dry when she had watched a scary movie. When Mike had touched her she recognised she was in danger and needed to do something. Ella had acted early and was safe.

Child sexual abuse is abhorrent. Unfortunately it is easy to pass on your horror and fear of it when talking to your child. Passing your feelings of fear and anxiety to them is not helpful.

We can’t frighten children into feeling safe. The best way to protect your child from sexual abuse is to build their inner strength and self-confidence so that in the event of potential abuse they will not feel powerless and will know what to do.

You want to keep your child safe in many potentially risky situations. Teaching your toddler the rules of road safety, not to step off the bus or train until it has stopped, and care with electrical appliances are examples. Other risks to their safety are bullying, sexual harassment and sexual abuse.

Zara (9 years) had been quiet and moody for a few weeks and I couldn’t find out what was wrong.I put it down to the fact her periods had started and she was going through a moody phase.

Then one morning she burst into tears saying the boys at school had been teasing her about the size of her breasts and snapping her bra.

-Marguarite, mother of four

The boys at school were verbally and physically harassing Zara. Sexual harassment can happen at any school and at any age.

Pushing, shoving, unwanted touching and fondling are common and children learn that harassment happens despite the school policies and rules that may be in place.

There are children and adults who will disregard your child’s personal boundaries. Sexual harassment can be spoken, written or physical, for example wolf-whistling, making obscene gestures, writing notes, texting, standing too close or unwanted touching.

Tell your child they have a right to have their personal space respected, and they can get help to stop harassment. When you are talking about family rules and respecting people’s boundaries, suggest ways to respond to people who harass them.

Connie would not allow her daughter Anna (9 years) to wear make-up. “You’re too young. We’ll talk about it when you’re a bit older” she said. Anna thought that her mother was living in the dark ages because all her friends wore make-up.

You may believe your daughter is too young to wear make-up, but if her peer group all wear it, she is likely to think her friends are doing the right thing. You need to consider this before making the decision to impose your own values. Often a compromise can be reached.

The messages young people receive about what are ‘desirable’ values are often inconsistent. Teachers, politicians, movie stars, music idols and religious groups all present different values and attitudes. Being unclear about what to believe and who is right can cause conflict and confusion for your child, especially when their parents’ views differ from the views of their friends.

Some young people will adopt their friends values and make decisions based on peer pressure. Some will adopt their parents values, and other will have a mix of their parents and peers values.

Sometimes lip service can be paid to the ‘desirable’ values of parents but the young person’s behaviour contradicts these values. Many young people from age 9 or 10 say that they don’t talk to their parents about what they are doing because they know their parents wouldn’t approve.

They would rather paint a rosy picture to keep the approval of their parents than to risk, in their eyes, losing their parents love. You can help avoid this situation with your own child by working to keep the communication channels open.

You will have seen reports in the media that children are reaching sexual maturity earlier than previous generations. The average age of menstruation has fallen over the past 100 years from 17 to about 13 years. Some girls begin breast development very early, as early as 7 years old.

A study by Bristol University’s Institute of Child Health found one in six British girls reach puberty by eight years of age, and half of all girls in Britain enter puberty by the age of 10. Another finding was that one in 14 eight-year-old boys had pubic hair, compared with one in 150 boys of their fathers generation.

Some paediatricians are concerned at the trend toward earlier puberty and researchers have many theories about it. Some suggest hormones in meat may be responsible. Others blame industrial or agricultural chemicals such as PCBs, DDT or certain types of plastics which can have hormone-like effects.

Children are more likely to be overweight and taller than 50 years ago. Other reasons suggested are the sexualized messages on TV, in music, movies and advertising. Whatever the cause, if your child is developing sexually at 7 years or younger you should talk to a health professional.

A 2006 report of a study of children in the UK by Liverpool John Moores University Centre for Public Health found there have been no attempts to develop young people faster, leaving “an increasing gap between physical puberty, changes to their bodies, which tends to happen around 12, and social puberty, when they are able to make decisions for themselves. “

Dr Mark Bellis, one of the report’s authors, said:

“Children who are now developing at an earlier stage need a different approach. Information often regarded as adult on sex, relationships and dealing with issues of conflict is currently given when it is too late.

The gap between when children are developing and coming into adulthood and when adult information is dispensed is the longest it’s ever been. So giving it at a later stage can do more harm than good because children need to get to grips with the changes in their life sooner.”

Fay shared this story about her son at a parent evening:

John had developed a habit of holding onto his penis when he was anxious as a young child and continued to do it occasionally during his junior school years. He seemed unaware of the behaviour. Jane found it embarrassing and hoped he would stop but didn’t say anything to him about it.

When John was nine years old he had written a prize-winning speech and was asked to repeat the speech at the end of year prize giving. Standing up in front of the assembly of children and parents he gave his speech, with one hand firmly holding his penis. Jane felt so embarrassed for him as she heard the whispering and sniggering from his schoolmates. Now she wishes she had helped him by bringing it to his attention when it first occurred.

If your child is often touching or holding their genitals at age 6 or 7 it is probably because something is worrying them. Try to work out what the problem is. Telling a child who is masturbating for comfort or merely holding themselves for comfort not to do so is likely to make them more anxious. Try saying, “I can see you are feeling worried about something, come and I’ll give you hug.”

When a 4-year-old is under stress it is common for them to hold their genitals and to have the urge to relieve themselves. It may have become a habit by the time they start school. You can discourage this by quietly raising their awareness when it occurs so that the behaviour doesn’t persist.