Ask Me Anything

Regular readers of this blog may know (or maybe not?) that I have written a popular parenting book on children’s sexual development.

It’s titled From Birth to Puberty – Helping your child develop a healthy sexuality.

It features the topics that I have blogged here in more depth, with case studies and questions and answers. Order a copy from suntime(at)fastmail.fm

Your child’s need for individuality
Your child needs to maintain or achieve a sense of being a separate person.

This  develops from an early age,  as a two-year-old’s tantrum demonstrates. A two-year-old will stand and demand, perform and cry, trying to get his or her own way.

If you are continually putting pressure on your child to behave as you want them to they often rebel. A common reaction to you ‘laying down the law’ is that they will deliberately rebel to oppose your authority.

Sarah (9 years) said her mother told her she should always wash her hair once a week or it would fall out. So she didn’t wash it for a month to see if her mother was right.

This kind of rebellion in children can be positive and healthy, although Sarah’s example isn’t very hygienic.

The positive outcomes include the ability to think and speak for themselves, to respect the individuality of others and not try to make others conform to their own opinions or values.

You want to keep your children safe protect them from abuse. But the reality is you can’t always be there to protect them. But you can help by preparing them so that they know what to do in unsafe situations.

Young children can learn how to recognise an unsafe situation, learn how to stay in control and what to do to get out of danger.

One way to recognise an unsafe situation is to know the way the body responds when scared. Adrenalin is released and the heart beats faster, the blood is redirected to the muscles for action, breathing becomes rapid and you feel alert.

The body has one or more ‘early warning signs’ in response to danger.  For example, your knees feel like jelly, you may have an urge to urinate, palms feel sweaty or you get a feeling of butterflies in the stomach.

Teaching your child to recognise these signs means they can be alert to possible danger. Help them identify these signs by relating them to a scary but safe experience they have had recently. For example, a roller coaster ride or their first time on a water slide. Their physical responses to scary but exciting situations will be the same as scary but unsafe traumatic events.

Try not to dwell on possible traumatic events when talking to your child about keeping safe. Reassure them that they are unlikely to come into contact with people who would hurt them.

What can they do when they sense danger?

When their early warning signs alert them something is wrong they need to take action. Tell them if someone is doing something that makes them feel scared they could move away, tell the person to stop or get someone to help them.

Give them ideas such as yelling or doing something gross to distract the person. For example, spitting or pretending to vomit will give them time to get away. Tell them that these are only suggestions and they have your permission to do anything they can at the time.

Ella, 10 years, liked her cousin Mike coming to babysit. He let her stay up late and watch TV programs her mother wouldn’t let her watch. But one night he moved very close to her and put his arm along the back of the couch behind her.

He said he could see she was growing up. He put his hand on her breast ‘to see how big she was getting’. She felt so scared that her throat went tight and dry. When she tried to tell him to stop no sound came out.

She pushed him away, ran into her mother’s room and locked the door. Feeling safe she then used the phone beside the bed to ring the next door neighbour.

Ella had acted on her ‘early warning sign’. In this case her throat felt tight and dry. Her mother had talked to her about how her body felt when she was scared. Ella had said her throat had felt tight and dry when she had watched a scary movie. When Mike had touched her she recognised she was in danger and needed to do something. Ella had acted early and was safe.

Child sexual abuse is abhorrent. Unfortunately it is easy to pass on your horror and fear of it when talking to your child. Passing your feelings of fear and anxiety to them is not helpful.

We can’t frighten children into feeling safe. The best way to protect your child from sexual abuse is to build their inner strength and self-confidence so that in the event of potential abuse they will not feel powerless and will know what to do.

I happened to be passing the kid’s bedroom when I overheard my 4-year-old James saying to his friend who had come over to play, “Give me a blowjob.” I couldn’t believe my ears. After listening and watching them for a while I realised they didn’t know what it meant.

What would you do if your son said that? Before you say anything to your son, think. Children use sexual words in ways that make it seem they know more than they really do. A preschooler who says, “give me a blowjob” may just be repeating a phrase heard from adolescent brothers or sisters, with no understanding of the meaning of the words.

If you respond negatively to this because you think he is being rude, your son will be confused because he does not understand the meaning of what he has said. Incidents like this can be a block to developing good communication. If it occurs regularly your child may become wary of speaking openly with you for fear of your reaction.

Listening and observing is more important than responding immediately. Delaying your response will give you time to think about what to say. If you overhear your 4-year-old James saying, “Give me a blowjob” to another child, neither of them is likely to know what it means.

James is probably trying to sound clever, knowing his friend won’t know what it means either. You could say, “Don’t talk like that to your friend. I don’t want to hear you use those words”. You haven’t had to explain what blowjob means but you have given a clear message that you don’t want your child to use the term.

Fay shared this story about her son at a parent evening:

John had developed a habit of holding onto his penis when he was anxious as a young child and continued to do it occasionally during his junior school years. He seemed unaware of the behaviour. Jane found it embarrassing and hoped he would stop but didn’t say anything to him about it.

When John was nine years old he had written a prize-winning speech and was asked to repeat the speech at the end of year prize giving. Standing up in front of the assembly of children and parents he gave his speech, with one hand firmly holding his penis. Jane felt so embarrassed for him as she heard the whispering and sniggering from his schoolmates. Now she wishes she had helped him by bringing it to his attention when it first occurred.

If your child is often touching or holding their genitals at age 6 or 7 it is probably because something is worrying them. Try to work out what the problem is. Telling a child who is masturbating for comfort or merely holding themselves for comfort not to do so is likely to make them more anxious. Try saying, “I can see you are feeling worried about something, come and I’ll give you hug.”

When a 4-year-old is under stress it is common for them to hold their genitals and to have the urge to relieve themselves. It may have become a habit by the time they start school. You can discourage this by quietly raising their awareness when it occurs so that the behaviour doesn’t persist.

Where’s my fuckin bucket?

Jason, age 4, has the family’s undivided attention. How will they react? Children learn swearwords if not from you, then from other children or adults. They become aware that these words are powerful and that they can get attention or a strong reaction from adults when they use them.

Swearwords are typically words to do with sex, sexual parts, or going to the toilet. These topics hold an intense interest for children because of the privacy and secrecy that surround them. Consequently children find there is something exciting and daring in using swearwords. They may create their own words such as poo-face or widdle-diddle and use them with delight.

How should you respond? Think about what you want your child to consider when using these words. You may want them to learn not to use that language at home, or that it is rude to swear or that it may upset other people when they hear them using these words. Children quickly learn that there are different rules for different places and situations. Sometimes it is simply best to ignore it. The fascination soon passes if they don’t get a reaction.

How should you deal with your 4-year-old son if he is frequently holding or rubbing his penis? The message you want to give him is that it is okay for him to play with his penis but it is something he should do in private. Tell him,

Rubbing your penis is something you do in private, so you can do that in your bedroom, which is a private place. You don’t do that in front of other people.

This will let him know that there’s nothing wrong with what he’s doing, but that it will embarrass other people if he does it when they’re around. If you are anxious about talking with your child about sensitive subjects, rehearse the words and the subject matter beforehand.

A mother shared this concern a while ago. It is an issue for some parents:

“My 5-year-old daughter stole a swimsuit calendar and kept hold of a number of these pictures for some length of time before I discovered them. She seems to be preoccupied with sex stars on TV shows. She talks about wanting to visit Hooters so she can see the girls. She begged my (oblivious) husband into buying a Baywatch DVD, claiming that she was interested in lifeguarding. I look at the way she is and the way I was, and I just don’t know what to think. I was never like this, and don’t know anybody who was. I’m stuck between trying to explain “too much” to her, and not knowing if this is just a healthy curiosity. “

Don’t be too concerned. It is normal for 5-year-olds to be absorbed in one type of play. Typically their play is about dinosaurs, playing with dolls, dressing up or drawing. In your daughter’s case, she is fascinated by TV stars. Perhaps you could redirect her interest in something related such as fashion, steering her interest from the model’s bodies and behaviour to the clothing they wear. She could start a scrapbook of fashion and you could help her find pictures in magazines that you have chosen for her. Reinforce interest she shows in other activities and ensure she has enough opportunities to play with other 5-year-olds.

Try not to let this issue create tension in your relationship with her and remember she is only five. She is looking at things from a child’s perspective. Talk about it with your husband so you take a consistent approach and so she doesn’t try to manipulate both of you to get what she wants. Remember you are her parents, you make the rules, and you are the ones setting the boundaries. Tell her you love her and point out all the positive qualities you see in her. If she stubbornly refuses to cooperate use her interest to your advantage. For example after she goes to 3-4 swimming lessons or goes swimming with you on three occasions she could have a treat to watch Baywatch. You will be reinforcing more appropriate behaviour.

Sexual behaviour between stepchildren can be an issue when stepfamilies are formed and both new partners have children. Stepfamilies bring together children who are biologically unrelated. However in the new stepfamily all the children are deemed to be related by marriage, whether their parent and stepparent are legally married or not. The children are in fact now brothers and sisters. There is a risk of inappropriate sexual experimentation or activity between stepsiblings. Reasons for this are because they are biologically unrelated, or because they are not familiar with each other, or for a number of emotional and other factors.

It is natural for young children to explore each other’s sexual differences in the playful, curious way. However a stepparent may feel more anxious if they weren’t aware of their child exploring in this way before the new family formed and may feel they are doing something unnatural or harmful. Alternatively they may be in a situation where their new partner accuses their children of aberrant behaviour, after observing sex play between the children. Both parents need to decide whether this is within the range of normal behaviours. Sex play is not usually a problem if all the children are happy and are not being secretive.

There may be a situation where one child may try to do something hurtful or embarrassing to a step-sibling. They may do this in order to punish the new parent or even their own parent, especially if they are feeling left out and confused about the new relationship.

What can you do to help?

At any age a child may try to talk to their own parent about the issues and be rejected for a number of reasons. Some parents don’t want to hear that there are conflicts between the children and may feel it is up to the children to sort out their new relationships within the family. The parent may think their child is making up stories, is misinterpreting the situation, or trying to get a sibling into trouble.

If your child is appearing sad, withdrawn, or has had a major change in their behaviour and tries to tell you about a sexual situation, take it seriously. Show them that you are listening and that they are doing the right thing in talking to you. Tell them you won’t blame them for whatever is happening and that you will do something about it. Don’t hesitate to seek professional advice.

With a new baby in the family older children can feel left out and jealous of the attention the baby is getting. This is most apparent while a mother breastfeeds her baby. Older children may ask to breastfeed too, either to have the same intimacy with their mother, or merely to see what it feels like. Many mothers do not feel comfortable allowing this to happen.

Your older child is well able to feed themselves and there is now an unstated rule that your breast is private. You could say this to your older child but give them lots of cuddling and attention, say why they are special, and point out all the skills they have that the baby hasn’t learned yet.