Ask Me Anything

Last night your 12-year-old daughter asked you,  ‘How do you know if you’re in love?’ In the past few weeks she has talked about a special friend, and she spends so much time daydreaming and talking on the phone to this friend that you are concerned. Now her question suggests to you that she thinks she is in love.

Asking about love does not mean your child wants to have sexual relations.  There are a number of possible reasons why she has asked you the question:

• She wonders if she could really be in love.
• She has loving feelings for a special friend.
• She wonders if it is normal to feel this way.
• She wants to know if you approve.
• She wants to know if it is okay to be sexual with the friend if she feels she loves them.
• She wonders if this is the “real thing” or the “right person”.

In thinking about your response, remember that many preteens express “being in love”.  It is exciting and scary for them to have these feelings.   While you may doubt they are real or long-lasting, if you say this to them they may choose not to share feelings with you again.

You can help your child learn the difference between feelings and actions. Be positive about the good feelings, and talk about the results of acting on those feelings. You can set limits at this time, for instance, ” In our family the dating age is _____, because ______.

Possible responses

“Being in love is a great feeling. And it’s different for 12-year-olds, 16-year-olds and 20-, 30- 50- somethings. Let’s talk about it.”

This give the message that you are willing to talk and can help her make sense of her feelings.

“This is a sign you are growing up.”

Message:  She is entering a new phase, with new issues for her to face.

“Being in love is one thing.  Sex is another. I’d like to hear what’s going on for you and to share my feelings and thoughts.”

The message here is that you want to help her learn about love and sexuality. You can share some of your experiences at her age to help her understand her own situation.