Ask Me Anything

Your 10-year-old son (or 11 or 12-year-old son or daughter) has never asked you any questions about sex.

You may assume that they know all they need to know at their age, or they may have told you that “I already know all about it.”

Sometimes a child may resist their parents efforts to talk about puberty and sexuality. They may protest and walk out of the room when you raise the subject.

What can you do in this situation? A good first step is to ask yourself why they are behaving this way. It could be they are embarrassed, or they think they should already know the answers. They may know a little and think they know a lot. Or your past reactions may have taught them not to ask.

Here are some suggestions of things you could do.

Use incidents on TV shows to start discussions about relationships and sexuality. Soaps and sitcoms  are scripted with many aspects of relationships, and sexuality topics are frequent. You could ask, “How do you feel about what that person did? What might happen because of their choice?”  This gives the message that there are choices in sexual situations and that people should think about the choices they make.

Talk about sexuality with another adult while your child is present. For example, “Have you seen the news report about…?” The message to your son or daughter is that it is okay to talk about sex in this family.

Ask your preteen to help you explain something to a younger child. For example, ask your 11-year-old son to help you talk to his eight-year-old brother about his aunt’s pregnancy. This will give the 11-year-old a face-saving reason for listening to what you have to say. The younger brother is likely to ask questions the 11-year-old also wants to have answered.

The 11-year-old daughter of a single mother asked this question.

If your child asks you a similar question, ask yourself, “Why is she/he asking that?” There is often a question behind the question. It is an opportunity to understand the question your child really wants answered.

In responding remember what you want them to learn. A positive response could be:

‘I’m happy to talk about my choices. I thought hard about them and they were right for me at the time. My choice may not be the right one for you when you get older. But first tell me why you want to know.’

This answer gives the message that this is an okay topic to discuss, that wise choices require thought, and that you are prepared to help your child learn to choose wisely.

A parent asked me this question after her son’s school principal called her about her son:

The school principal called to say my 7-year-old son had “taken his penis out on the bus”. The principal went on to say this was serious and was a matter that we, as parents, had to address this with our son as a serious misconduct.

My husband and I sat him down that evening to discuss the whole matter, he was very ashamed of what he’d done. He knows, but we repeated the fact that “private parts” are just that etc, etc.

My main concerns are: Is this normal behavior? Could this be an indication that he’s got a sexuality problem which may manifest later in life too?

My response:

Be reassured that your child’s behaviour does not sound very unusual. He was involved in an exciting “curiosity” game showing the other children his penis. Many children participate in this kind of game, usually as a “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” game.

You have quite rightly reminded him that this is a private part of his body and that this game is inappropriate. You need to be concerned if the behaviour continues and is repeated in a secretive manner involving other children in a way that upsets them. But otherwise you don’t need to worry.

Regular readers of this blog may know (or maybe not?) that I have written a popular parenting book on children’s sexual development.

It’s titled From Birth to Puberty – Helping your child develop a healthy sexuality.

It features the topics that I have blogged here in more depth, with case studies and questions and answers. Order a copy from suntime(at)fastmail.fm