Ask Me Anything

You could say to your son:

Puberty is a very unpredictable process. It is also different for each person.

Boys can start going through puberty as early as 10 or 11 and most will be fully physically developed by the time they are 18 or 19. That’s a lot of growing and changing in a reasonably short time.

A preteen going through puberty asked me this question:

I am 12  years old and my breasts are larger than my sister who is 14 and i have noticed that my nipples are almost the same size as my breasts, is this normal because my sister tells me im a freak and i just want to know why my nipples are so big and if this is a bad thing.

Different people grow at different rates and we all look quite different with our clothes off. There’s a huge range of normal and guess what? You’re well within that range.

Don’t stress over your body so much. It can be difficult coming to terms with all the changes your body is growing through. Get some information on puberty, a book form the library, ask your parents. There are some good websites with excellent information about puberty. Can you talk to the school nurse?

It may be that your sister is just a bit jealous!

All children wet their beds occasionally.  Bedwetting typically occurs in about 10% of 6-year-olds and 3% of 12-year-olds.

Bedwetting is defined as a problem when it occurs more than one night a month. A small bladder capacity, deep sleeping or a number of medical reasons may cause it.

It is more commonly a problem for boys and often runs in families. It can be very helpful for a child to know if it was also a problem for one of their parents when they were young. They will then know their parents understand how they are feeling.

Staying overnight with a friend or going on a school camp can cause extra anxiety for these children. The problem may cause considerable tension within families and embarrassment for the child. Even the most understanding parents can become frustrated and angry with repeated accidents. In these cases parents need extra support.

If the problem persists until the child is 7 years old, behavior management techniques or medication can be helpful. In this case the first step is to talk to a health professional.

Continuing our discussion of values and sexuality, this post is about clarifying your own values as a parent.

First, be aware of how you feel about different issues, by either discussing them with your partner or with other adults. Ask yourself these questions:

How do you feel about children exploring their sexual differences, teenage pregnancy, pornography or abortion?

Do you think it’s okay for your young son to wear a dress and lipstick when playing with the dress-up clothes at his pre-school?

Do you think that it’s okay for young children to run and play naked through the garden sprinkler outside on a hot day?

You may discover you are ambivalent or unclear about what you think is best for your child. Feeling uncomfortable is a sign that one of your strong values may be involved.

You can check this by asking yourself if you are using words like ‘should’, ‘must’, ‘never’ or ‘always’. These words are used to express deeply held values.

What if parents have different values? What can you do?

Remember you or your partner may be unaware you are defending a strong value when you respond emotionally to a remark or behaviour. Accept that you do have differences and acknowledge the other’s feelings.

If you recognise that one or both of you are agitated, say something like:

We both seem to be getting upset, this must be something important.

This shows acceptance and is likely to help. Acknowledging each other’s feelings will help calm things down.

Now talk it over, respecting each other’s values. Talking it over will help you consider each other’s perspective.

If in the end you don’t agree, this is not going to be a problem for your child. It is healthy for children to grow up in an environment where different values are expressed, as long as there is acceptance and respect of the differences.

Within a family, parents may differ in some of their values, such as whether it is acceptable to be naked in front of the children, whether masturbation is normal, and in attitudes toward homosexuality.

The following stories highlight some of the issues.

Brian enjoyed swimming naked in the family pool, which could not be seen by the neighbours. His wife, Jenny, objected to him doing this when their children were school age. Jenny and Brian talked about it many times, often in front of the children. Brian continued to do it, arguing that it was a perfectly natural thing to do. It was a worry to Jenny every summer for years, until Brian stopped when their daughter turned twelve.

Margaret (a European New Zealander) asked her daughter Puti (11 years) why she hadn’t washed her hair when she had a shower. Puti said her Nanny (her Maori grandmother) had told her she should never wash her hair while she had her mate (period). Margaret thought that was ridiculous. “What’s this stupid thing Nanny is telling you Puti? What right has she to tell my daughter this sort of rubbish?”

Tammy found one of the difficulties in her marriage with Hone was the way his whanau (family) treated their place as their own. Uncles, cousins and people she didn’t even know would turn up for a meal unexpectedly, borrow their tools and never return them, or just hang out drinking their beer. But what really irritated her was how they assumed it was okay to call in and take her children to the river or out visiting without asking her or Hone.

The children in these stories are receiving different messages about values from their parents, grandparents or other relatives. The last two stories highlight value differences within families when parents come from different cultural backgrounds.

There can be many differences in values between parents, including:

• The values, attitudes and beliefs about family, health, education, discipline and honesty.
• The way sexuality is expressed. For example, whether it continues to be appropriate to hug your son when he has reached puberty.
• The parents’ experience of different role models (especially their own mother and father).
• The traditions, rituals and behaviours that are part of the parents’ culture. Usually these have been handed down through many generations.

These differences can cause confusion for children if it involves conflict between parents about who is right or wrong. For example:

Don’t listen to your Dad he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

How can you avoid confusing your child with conflicting messages? How can you positively influence the values of your child and help them to decide for themselves what their personal values will be? A starting point is to clarify your own values. We will look at ways to do this in the next post.

Kelly (11 years) told her mother Catherine she was worried that one of her breasts was getting bigger than the other.

Catherine brought up the subject with some of her women friends at work during morning coffee, and she was relieved to hear that a number of them had the same experience during puberty.

When Catherine told Kelly this later, she was surprised that Kelly was upset that she had discussed her concern with others.

Young people can feel that their trust has been betrayed when their parents talk about them to their friends.

It is good to share things with friends but your child needs to realise that just as they share things with each other, parents need to too.

You could agree not to share without your child’s permission. It is important for you to get the support you need.

Your child’s need for individuality
Your child needs to maintain or achieve a sense of being a separate person.

This  develops from an early age,  as a two-year-old’s tantrum demonstrates. A two-year-old will stand and demand, perform and cry, trying to get his or her own way.

If you are continually putting pressure on your child to behave as you want them to they often rebel. A common reaction to you ‘laying down the law’ is that they will deliberately rebel to oppose your authority.

Sarah (9 years) said her mother told her she should always wash her hair once a week or it would fall out. So she didn’t wash it for a month to see if her mother was right.

This kind of rebellion in children can be positive and healthy, although Sarah’s example isn’t very hygienic.

The positive outcomes include the ability to think and speak for themselves, to respect the individuality of others and not try to make others conform to their own opinions or values.

In the last two posts I’ve used David and Louise’s case to illustrate the issues that can develop in a relationship when the first child is born.

Individuality
The tendency for family togetherness exists alongside the need for individuality.

Family members are very different from each other. They may not be aware of many of the differences, especially at the beginning of a marriage or partnership.

When two people enter a relationship they are usually inclined to think they are similar, and of course this is often why they are attracted to each other in the first place. However some of the differences between partners can mean they will have different ideas about parenting, including what sexuality values they would like their children to adopt, and on how to communicate these values to their children.

In David and Louise’s case, the differences over Ben led David to do more on his own, outside the family.

He needed to have time out for himself.

It was his way of trying to achieve a balance between his need for individuality and the need for family togetherness. He also had a need to feel that Louise valued his parenting views.

Doing things individually is good for each parent’s personal growth and while it develops individuality it needs to be balanced with doing things with the family. This will avoid developing isolation which causes problems in a relationship.

In the previous post I introduced the case of David and Louise who were very happy with the birth of Ben, their first child,  but the family dynamics changed with the new realities of accommodating Ben and his needs.

In this post I want to introduce one of the important influences present in every family with two adults and one or more children: the ‘togetherness tendency’ that draws family members together.

Family togetherness
Family members tend to be drawn together emotionally. Part of this tendency is instinctive and is associated with early experiences of closeness and bonding to parents and family.

We remember the feeling of security that this gave when we were young, it is something we value, and seek to provide as parents in our own families. This shared value acts as a bond between family members.

The other aspect of family life that binds members together is their shared emotional experience. This is the result of the emotions that family members experience in their relationships with each other.

Over time these become habitual (learned) emotional responses, and may range from very pleasant to very unpleasant. Whether the emotional experience is positive or not, these emotions become automatic, and their familiarity helps bind people together.

Counterbalancing that is the need for individuality or separateness of each family member, which I will address in the next post.

David and Louise were very happy with the birth of Ben, their first child. Ben seemed to give them a common bond that made them feel more like a family.

After a few weeks it became clear that David and Louise had different ideas about parenting. David wanted Ben to be circumcised but Louise did not agree. David also wanted Louise to breastfeed Ben but after a few weeks Louise put him on the bottle.

David enjoyed feeding Ben in their bed when he woke at night, and wanted to let Ben stay in the bed and sleep as he cuddled him after his feed. However Louise insisted he put Ben back in his bassinette.

David began to feel that he wasn’t having any say in family decisions. He decided to do other things for himself outside the family.

When a couple have their first child the family dynamics change. The new parents may need to work through some of their values and attitudes to accommodate the baby.

There are two important influences present in every family with two adults and one or more children: a “togetherness tendency” that draws family members together; and the need for individuality or separateness of each family member. The challenge is to maintain a balance between the two influences.

More on the “togetherness tendency” in the next post.