Ask Me Anything

In the previous post we outlined some of the behaviors and issues that may arise between stepchildren in blended families.

What can you do to help?

A child may try to talk to their own parent in the blended family about the issues and be rejected for a number of reasons.

Some parents don’t want to hear that there are conflicts between the children and may feel it is up to the children to sort out their new relationships within the family. The parent may think their child is making up stories, is misinterpreting the situation, or trying to get a sibling into trouble.

If your child is appearing sad, withdrawn, or has had a major change in their behavior and tries to tell you about a sexual situation, take it seriously.  Show them that you are listening and say that they are doing the right thing in talking to you.

Tell them you won’t blame them for whatever is happening and that you will do something about it.  Don’t hesitate to seek professional advice.

Sexual behavior between stepchildren can be an issue when stepfamilies are formed and both new partners have children.

Stepfamilies bring together children who are biologically unrelated. However in the new stepfamily all the children are deemed to be related by marriage, whether their parent and stepparent are legally married or not.

The children are in fact now brothers and sisters. There is a risk of inappropriate sexual experimentation or activity between stepsiblings. Reasons for this are because they are biologically unrelated, or because they are not familiar with each other, or for a number of emotional and other factors.

There may be a situation where one child may try to do something hurtful or embarrassing to a step-sibling. They may do this in order to punish the new parent or even their own parent, especially if they are feeling left out and confused about the new relationship.

Step-siblings reaching the age of puberty may seek the love and affection from each other that they feel they have lost from their own parent.

This can occur easily because they spend a lot of time together and they have a bond because they are going through a similar situation. They may be sexually attracted to each other and this could lead to sexual experimentation.

Each child may seek to meet their own needs in what is a very complex situation. One child may be exploited by another. Because the behaviour started with mutual consent they may feel responsible for the situation. They can feel guilty that it is happening but are unable to stop it.

We will look at ways of dealing with these situations in a follow-up post.

Marla , nine years old, asks her mother,

‘I want to start shaving my legs, like the other girls at school.’

Her mother disagrees, telling her,

‘You are too young and could cut yourself. I didn’t start shaving my legs until I was fourteen.’

Marla goes to her father and asks,

‘Dad, can I have one of your razors to shave my legs?’

‘Sure honey, here you go,’ he says, and he gives her one without a second thought.

Incidents like this can cause conflict between parents, often simply because they had not discussed the issue before it arose.

If you are alert to such situations and consult each other before making decisions, one parent will not feel that their wishes are being devalued or their authority is being undermined.

Parents can easily give mixed messages about sexuality to their children. One parent sends a certain message and the other parent gives a conflicting one. Understanding and working through differences beforehand will help to avoid this and assist in giving clear messages to your children.

Often your own parents or in-laws have strong feelings about sexuality issues and about the messages that children should be given. These can be quite different and perhaps at odds with your own.

It may also become an issue with neighbours and friends if you help each other out with childcare. Having clearly decided on the messages you want to give your child provides you with the strength and confidence necessary to respond with conviction to concerned friends and relatives.

If your child attends daycare you can also ask about their policies on issues such as privacy, nudity and sex play.

If you have been talking with your 9 to 12-year-old  about sex you can answer this question simply,

‘A prostitute is an adult who is paid for having sex.’

You could go on to say that there are more female prostitutes than male as more men pay for sex than women; and that they may be self-employed or work for a business such as a massage parlour.

Prostitution is not legal in all states and countries.  You could tell the legal situation where you live.  And you could ask them if they know some of the slang words for prostitute, chances are they will have heard some of them but may not know the true meaning.

Here’s an example answer to this question from a 9 to 12- year-old:

“When a woman has an unplanned pregnancy she must decide whether to go ahead and have a baby.

In the early stages of pregnancy a woman can have an operation or take pills to end the pregnancy. This called an abortion.

It is up to the woman to decide what will be best for themselves and their family, however her partner and others close to her will help her to make the decision. Having a baby and caring for children is a big responsibility.”

You may also say that some people believe abortion should be available to all women and others do not. Outline the legal situation where you live. You could also talk about people’s different cultural and religious beliefs and practices about abortion.

You want to keep your children safe protect them from abuse. But the reality is you can’t always be there to protect them. But you can help by preparing them so that they know what to do in unsafe situations.

Young children can learn how to recognise an unsafe situation, learn how to stay in control and what to do to get out of danger.

One way to recognise an unsafe situation is to know the way the body responds when scared. Adrenalin is released and the heart beats faster, the blood is redirected to the muscles for action, breathing becomes rapid and you feel alert.

The body has one or more ‘early warning signs’ in response to danger.  For example, your knees feel like jelly, you may have an urge to urinate, palms feel sweaty or you get a feeling of butterflies in the stomach.

Teaching your child to recognise these signs means they can be alert to possible danger. Help them identify these signs by relating them to a scary but safe experience they have had recently. For example, a roller coaster ride or their first time on a water slide. Their physical responses to scary but exciting situations will be the same as scary but unsafe traumatic events.

Try not to dwell on possible traumatic events when talking to your child about keeping safe. Reassure them that they are unlikely to come into contact with people who would hurt them.

What can they do when they sense danger?

When their early warning signs alert them something is wrong they need to take action. Tell them if someone is doing something that makes them feel scared they could move away, tell the person to stop or get someone to help them.

Give them ideas such as yelling or doing something gross to distract the person. For example, spitting or pretending to vomit will give them time to get away. Tell them that these are only suggestions and they have your permission to do anything they can at the time.

Ella, 10 years, liked her cousin Mike coming to babysit. He let her stay up late and watch TV programs her mother wouldn’t let her watch. But one night he moved very close to her and put his arm along the back of the couch behind her.

He said he could see she was growing up. He put his hand on her breast ‘to see how big she was getting’. She felt so scared that her throat went tight and dry. When she tried to tell him to stop no sound came out.

She pushed him away, ran into her mother’s room and locked the door. Feeling safe she then used the phone beside the bed to ring the next door neighbour.

Ella had acted on her ‘early warning sign’. In this case her throat felt tight and dry. Her mother had talked to her about how her body felt when she was scared. Ella had said her throat had felt tight and dry when she had watched a scary movie. When Mike had touched her she recognised she was in danger and needed to do something. Ella had acted early and was safe.

Child sexual abuse is abhorrent. Unfortunately it is easy to pass on your horror and fear of it when talking to your child. Passing your feelings of fear and anxiety to them is not helpful.

We can’t frighten children into feeling safe. The best way to protect your child from sexual abuse is to build their inner strength and self-confidence so that in the event of potential abuse they will not feel powerless and will know what to do.

You want to keep your child safe in many potentially risky situations. Teaching your toddler the rules of road safety, not to step off the bus or train until it has stopped, and care with electrical appliances are examples. Other risks to their safety are bullying, sexual harassment and sexual abuse.

Zara (9 years) had been quiet and moody for a few weeks and I couldn’t find out what was wrong.I put it down to the fact her periods had started and she was going through a moody phase.

Then one morning she burst into tears saying the boys at school had been teasing her about the size of her breasts and snapping her bra.

-Marguarite, mother of four

The boys at school were verbally and physically harassing Zara. Sexual harassment can happen at any school and at any age.

Pushing, shoving, unwanted touching and fondling are common and children learn that harassment happens despite the school policies and rules that may be in place.

There are children and adults who will disregard your child’s personal boundaries. Sexual harassment can be spoken, written or physical, for example wolf-whistling, making obscene gestures, writing notes, texting, standing too close or unwanted touching.

Tell your child they have a right to have their personal space respected, and they can get help to stop harassment. When you are talking about family rules and respecting people’s boundaries, suggest ways to respond to people who harass them.

Your child may be interested in TV programs that have explicit sexual content. They are curious to know what sex is all about and it is natural for them to be very interested in the sexual exploits of their favourite TV characters.

Not only sex but sexual messages are conveyed on many television programs, commercials and  on internet videos on social networking websites. Common sexual themes are sexual relationships, sex and gender roles, body image, and how people talk about sex.

By watching TV with your child you can use programs to talk about sexuality issues and values. Using these opportunities will strengthen your communication with them.

You can set boundaries to limit television and internet viewing to appropriate programs and sites. While you can use technology to block TV channels and “net nanny” internet sites at home, your child may see material you feel is inappropriate outside the home.

If this happens your child is more likely to talk to you about it when you have established an open communication with them. You could explain that the sex and the relationships between characters in a TV show are very different than those in everyday life.

When your 9 to 12-year-old child asks personal questions such as this, think about how much you want to disclose.

They don’t need to know your personal details but they still want answers. Try to answer them in a general way.

For example you could say,

‘Some adults have sex every day, others once a month and others not at all.’

You could go on to explain that everyone is different and their needs change at different stages in their life.

When answering this question from a 9 to 12-year-old son or daughter give the important facts:

‘AIDS is an illness caused by a virus called HIV.

People can be infected with this virus by having sex with an infected person, sharing needles when using drugs, having a blood transfusion with infected blood, or a HIV positive mother can pass it on to her baby during breastfeeding.’

Talking about the actions that put someone at risk of HIV is more accurate than talking about the groups of people who are more likely to be infected with the virus.

You may go on to say that a person with HIV may be healthy for many years, especially with treatment, but when they have AIDS they are very sick and then the condition is difficult to treat.