Ask Me Anything

To this question from a 9 to 12-year-old son you could say:

“Pubic hair will start to grow as you go through puberty. Some boys start puberty when they are 10, others not until they are 16.”

Young people constantly compare themselves with others and focus on details that may seem irrelevant to adults. They need constant reassurance that they are normal. Others are going through exactly the same changes as they are but everyone grows at a different rate.

You could say to your 9 to 12-year old son:

“Your penis will continue to grow until you have gone through all the changes at puberty and when you have stopped growing taller. That might not be until your late teens.”

Boys worry if their penis doesn’t look the same as others, especially compared to the size of an adult’s penis. They may have seen their father’s penis and wonder if it will ever get to be as big.

Telling them that size doesn’t matter doesn’t take away the anxiety. Knowing that their penis will continue to get bigger through adolescence might help.

Together you can talk about men you admire, men you see as manly, and identify the qualities you value in them. These could be qualities such as honesty, good fun to be with, energetic, an ability to laugh at themselves and not take life too seriously. These are the qualities that make a man, not the size of their penis!

An 11-year-old asked if she could wear a bra although it was clear to her mother that it was unnecessary at her stage of breast development.

It can be hard for children who develop later than their friends to accept that everyone grows at a different rate.

There are bra-like tops available for younger girls and your daughter may feel happier with one of these instead of a bra.

However more importantly she needs lots of reassurance that her breasts will develop soon, in their own time.

You can say to your daughter:

“It is normal for one breast to grow faster than the other. When they finish growing they will be the same size. Meanwhile you will be the only one to notice the difference.”

The changes at puberty take a bit of getting used to. Young people constantly compare themselves with others and focus on details that may seem irrelevant to adults. They need constant reassurance that they are normal.

Tell them that others are going through exactly the same changes as they are but the rate of growth and development varies from person to person.

You could begin by saying:

“You will probably notice a small amount of blood and mucus on the toilet paper when you first go in the morning. You may notice that you have some mucus on your pants on some days in the month or so before your period starts. You may feel sore in the lower part of your back. If you notice these things you can always talk to me about how you are feeling.”

Your daughter may wonder what her period will be like and worry that it may start with a flood in the middle of the day. You can tell her that doesn’t usually happen. She will typically notice a small amount of blood and mucus when she gets up in the morning. However she could take some spare underwear and a pad in her school bag or overnight bag if she is staying away from home.

Girls usually experience some period pain and sometimes it can be severe. It may be low back pain, pelvic pain and may radiate down the legs. Some girls have an upset stomach, feel nauseous or even vomit on the first day of their period.

These symptoms are usually caused by the release of prostaglandins. Medication is available to reduce the amount of prostaglandin released. It is therefore more effective to take the medication 12 – 24 hours before the period starts.

Your son needs reassurance that this is not the case. He may be worried that masturbation will cause problems as he gets older or he may be wondering what happens to men as they age.

Your response could be: “No, if a man masturbates often or has sex often his penis will not start to get worn out or stop functioning. But as a man reaches old age he will not have as many erections or respond as quickly as he did when he was younger.”

This question from your 9 to 12-year-old could be asked for a number of reasons.

They may be wondering if you are planning to have more children or may be curious to know about other forms of contraception. They may know that some women take the Pill but may not know why.

If they are old enough to know what contraception is they are old enough to know more about the subject. You also want to give the message that you are comfortable talking about this.

Your response could be: “Taking the Pill is one way to stop getting pregnant. It is called contraception. Your father has had a vasectomy, which is another form of contraception. So we won’t be having any more children.”

In answering this question from a 9 to 12-year-old you could start like this:

“The right time is going to be different for everyone. You will know the right time when you consider the answers to questions such as:

• Why do I want to have sex?

• Have we got the relationship I want before starting to have sex?

• Can we both take the responsibilities of a sexual relationship?

• What will we do if I/she gets pregnant?

• Who can I talk to if things go wrong?

• How will I feel if we break up?”

This is an opportunity to talk about your values and what you want for your son or daughter. You could talk about the kind of relationship and the skills you want them to have before considering having sex for the first time. For example, a relationship where they feel loved and cared for. A relationship where they can talk freely about preventing pregnancy and infection.

The importance of delaying sexual intercourse
Children today are reaching sexual maturity earlier than their parents did. Boys and girls are now physiologically capable of sexual activity before they are ready emotionally.

Give your 9 to 12-year-old a clear message that sexual intercourse is an adults-only activity and they are far too young to experience sex.

Between the ages of 10 and 12 some children experiment with sexual intercourse and oral sex. It tends to be a purely physical activity and often occurs in groups. The boys “see if it will fit”. They may take turns with others watching. Sometimes it is a result of a dare, part of a game or they are bullied into it. They risk pregnancy, infections, and feeling bad about themselves.

Parents are shocked when they learn their child is involved in such activity and the situation needs to be handled sensitively. The child may feel guilty and blame themselves for ending up in this situation.

Young people need to have the confidence to enjoy early sexual feelings without going on to have sexual intercourse. Your parenting will help to build self esteem and good communication about sexuality which will give them confidence to stand up for themselves.

Talking to your child about friendships, sex and relationships is an important part of parenting. Talk about the basics of contraception, safer sex, signs of pregnancy, pregnancy options and the local health services available to young people. It is better to give children information before they become sexually active. Encourage them to think about the decisions they will need to make in the future. Research shows that young people who have had the opportunity to learn about these issues are more likely to delay sexual intercourse.

Delaying intercourse will allow them to enjoy early sexual experiences such as kissing, touching and getting to know each other before making the decision to have sex. If they wait until they feel ready they are more likely to practice safer sex. Family Planning organisations and government agencies have pamphlets and websites with information that will update you on these topics.

Sex education at school will also help them gain this confidence. Ask your school about the sex education they provide and what you can do to support it. Becoming involved in improving sex education at school or helping develop youth friendly services in the community is a great way to help all children.

We encourage you to discuss the following points when answering this question from your 9 to 12-year-old:

Young people who start having sex before they are 16 years old often say they should have waited longer. They say their early sexual experiences have often been negative and they were under pressure at the time leaving them feeling bad about themselves.

When a person’s self-esteem is shaken they are less able to make healthy decisions.

Having sexual intercourse involves making some important safer sex decisions. Even when people use contraception there is a risk of pregnancy.

It is okay to experiment and have a sexy time together and for young people to enjoy their sexuality without taking those risks. This is an important part of learning about each other and developing a healthy relationship before taking that step.

I happened to be passing the kid’s bedroom when I overheard my 4-year-old James saying to his friend who had come over to play, “Give me a blowjob.” I couldn’t believe my ears. After listening and watching them for a while I realised they didn’t know what it meant.

What would you do if your son said that? Before you say anything to your son, think. Children use sexual words in ways that make it seem they know more than they really do. A preschooler who says, “give me a blowjob” may just be repeating a phrase heard from adolescent brothers or sisters, with no understanding of the meaning of the words.

If you respond negatively to this because you think he is being rude, your son will be confused because he does not understand the meaning of what he has said. Incidents like this can be a block to developing good communication. If it occurs regularly your child may become wary of speaking openly with you for fear of your reaction.

Listening and observing is more important than responding immediately. Delaying your response will give you time to think about what to say. If you overhear your 4-year-old James saying, “Give me a blowjob” to another child, neither of them is likely to know what it means.

James is probably trying to sound clever, knowing his friend won’t know what it means either. You could say, “Don’t talk like that to your friend. I don’t want to hear you use those words”. You haven’t had to explain what blowjob means but you have given a clear message that you don’t want your child to use the term.