Ask Me Anything

Where’s my fuckin bucket?

Jason, age 4, has the family’s undivided attention. How will they react? Children learn swearwords if not from you, then from other children or adults. They become aware that these words are powerful and that they can get attention or a strong reaction from adults when they use them.

Swearwords are typically words to do with sex, sexual parts, or going to the toilet. These topics hold an intense interest for children because of the privacy and secrecy that surround them. Consequently children find there is something exciting and daring in using swearwords. They may create their own words such as poo-face or widdle-diddle and use them with delight.

How should you respond? Think about what you want your child to consider when using these words. You may want them to learn not to use that language at home, or that it is rude to swear or that it may upset other people when they hear them using these words. Children quickly learn that there are different rules for different places and situations. Sometimes it is simply best to ignore it. The fascination soon passes if they don’t get a reaction.

How should you deal with your 4-year-old son if he is frequently holding or rubbing his penis? The message you want to give him is that it is okay for him to play with his penis but it is something he should do in private. Tell him,

Rubbing your penis is something you do in private, so you can do that in your bedroom, which is a private place. You don’t do that in front of other people.

This will let him know that there’s nothing wrong with what he’s doing, but that it will embarrass other people if he does it when they’re around. If you are anxious about talking with your child about sensitive subjects, rehearse the words and the subject matter beforehand.

A mother shared this concern a while ago. It is an issue for some parents:

“My 5-year-old daughter stole a swimsuit calendar and kept hold of a number of these pictures for some length of time before I discovered them. She seems to be preoccupied with sex stars on TV shows. She talks about wanting to visit Hooters so she can see the girls. She begged my (oblivious) husband into buying a Baywatch DVD, claiming that she was interested in lifeguarding. I look at the way she is and the way I was, and I just don’t know what to think. I was never like this, and don’t know anybody who was. I’m stuck between trying to explain “too much” to her, and not knowing if this is just a healthy curiosity. “

Don’t be too concerned. It is normal for 5-year-olds to be absorbed in one type of play. Typically their play is about dinosaurs, playing with dolls, dressing up or drawing. In your daughter’s case, she is fascinated by TV stars. Perhaps you could redirect her interest in something related such as fashion, steering her interest from the model’s bodies and behaviour to the clothing they wear. She could start a scrapbook of fashion and you could help her find pictures in magazines that you have chosen for her. Reinforce interest she shows in other activities and ensure she has enough opportunities to play with other 5-year-olds.

Try not to let this issue create tension in your relationship with her and remember she is only five. She is looking at things from a child’s perspective. Talk about it with your husband so you take a consistent approach and so she doesn’t try to manipulate both of you to get what she wants. Remember you are her parents, you make the rules, and you are the ones setting the boundaries. Tell her you love her and point out all the positive qualities you see in her. If she stubbornly refuses to cooperate use her interest to your advantage. For example after she goes to 3-4 swimming lessons or goes swimming with you on three occasions she could have a treat to watch Baywatch. You will be reinforcing more appropriate behaviour.

If your school has a policy of asking for parental consent before sexuality education classes begin you should be given information about the topics being covered. You might think that it is your role to talk about sex and sexuality to your child and not the role of the school. However the school has an opportunity to clarify information and develop open communication within the children’s peer group.

Schools can complement your child’s learning from home and provide social learning opportunities that are not possible within the family. In the classroom children have the opportunity to practise communication skills. Young people are encouraged to be open and honest with each other when talking about sexuality issues. In the classroom children can hear each other’s opinions and gain an understanding and tolerance of others. The school can give up-to-date, accurate information that is sometimes not easily accessible to parents. And your child has an opportunity to discuss matters with their teachers. This is different from discussing these matters with you, because teachers are not emotionally involved with them in the way you are as a parent.

Hinehou, a Maori community worker, was finding it difficult to talk to her daughter, Merita, about the changes she would be going through at puberty. When her daughter’s school notified her that they would be discussing sexuality issues at school it motivated her to get started. She was surprised at how much Merita already knew, even though some of herideas were confused. Hinehou was pleased she had been ‘pushed into it’ by the school, especially as Marita had her first period soon after.

While the program is on at school you can use the opportunity to talk to your child about sexuality. Ideally, you will tell your child what to expect at puberty. However not all parents talk to their children and give them the information they need.

When asked what she learnt from the course on puberty an 11-year-old girl wrote: “I learnt heaps, most things I wouldn’t learn at home. I thought it would be shaming but it wasn’t. I didn’t even know about periods.”

Talk to your child well before puberty about the changes ahead. Talk to them about your own values and the expectations you have of them. This will help them to develop their own set of values.

What’s a virgin? What’s a boner? Is sex dirty?

Suzie asked her father, “What’s a virgin?” Her father said, “Ask your mother.” Her mother said, “Don’t they teach you that at school?” Suzie felt she was getting the run-around. She had a suspicion that if she put the question to her teacher she would be told to ask the school nurse or counsellor.

Try rehearsing answers to these questions. Think about how you would respond to questions like these, before your child asks.

You might feel uncomfortable about the language and content of these and other questions your child may ask. Separate the question from the way it is asked. Once you’ve done this, you can respond with language you feel is more appropriate. You will be modelling the language you want your child to use.

When I grow up can I marry you?

Some pre-school children become intensely attached to the parent of the opposite sex and even feel jealous of the other parent. They want to snuggle up to them in bed, watch them get dressed and may want to touch their genitals. They may say that when they grow up they want to marry them.

It is up to you to be understanding but also be honest. For example the favoured parent might say, “I love you too but when you grow up you will meet someone you own age who is special and who you love”. By the time they get to school this devotion to one parent will usually have become less intense.