Ask Me Anything

Gender stereotyping is common in all societies. You may be concerned that people often tell your little girl that she is very pretty, or tell your little boy that he is strong and tough. While children are influenced by other people’s comments, the comments that you make as a parent are the most important and have the greatest influence on your child’s developing concept of gender. To counter other people’s comments, you can add your own. For example, if someone says to your son, “You are so good kicking the football”, you could say, “Yes he’s terrific and he’s been helping me cook dinner, too.”

A mother shared her concern with me about this situation:

I was shocked to find my six-year-old son looking at porn magazines with his friends. They tried acting out what they saw. I am worried about the effect of this on my son. What should I do?

My answer: I’m sure your son is okay. Of course you are worried and could start thinking he has something wrong with him. But let’s put what he has done in perspective for his age. He has found pornographic pictures and had an exciting time looking at them with his friends. His excitement would have been very normal, they probably felt a bit naughty at finding pictures like this and thought the people looked funny doing funny things to each other. That is very different than the way an adult might be sexually excited by them. So then he tried some of those things out, acting out what in his child’s mind he thought they were doing. That would have been exciting too, doing something daring and completely outside his normal experience. It also would feel good for him – but in a normal, childlike, exciting and sensual way rather than a sexually arousing way.

Children don’t experience the same sexual desire and erotic feelings as adults. They will start to have those feelings when they get that surge of hormones during puberty, but not when they are children. For him, it may not seem that he has been very bad. In fact, although I can understand your worry, his behaviour or these experiences are not going to have any long term effects on his life or any of the other childrens.

Now lets look at your reaction. Understandably you were shocked when you heard that he had had access to pornography and about his behaviour. Give him clear guidelines – that he shouldn’t touch or look at the private parts of people’s bodies or let anyone do that to him. Tell him you love him and that he is special and don’t worry that there is something wrong with him. There are differences between child and adult sexuality. From my book From Birth to Puberty: “Children’s sex play is normal if it involves curiosity and play; if it is spontaneous and open; and if it involves sensuality and excitement rather than eroticism.”

Good sex education programs acknowledge the sexual diversity in the community and at the school. Good school programs do not tolerate discrimination of any kind and will be inclusive of all sexual orientations in their teachings.

Schools typically have policies that include the objective of enabling all students to reach their academic and social potential without prejudice. They can only do this if they seek to provide an environment that is inclusive and affirming of gay, lesbian and bisexual people in all aspects of school life.

Most children at primary school will be unaware of their sexual orientation until they reach their early teens. However, the primary school can play a part in developing non-discriminatory attitudes and dispel myths surrounding homosexuality.

As a parent you may be concerned that teachers will impose their own values when they are teaching sex education. You may think that teachers could undermine the values you want your child to learn.

This shouldn’t occur with a good sex education program as outlined in my previous post. Teachers are trained to be clear about the difference between facts and opinion in their sexuality teaching. If they talk about opinions it will not be their personal opinions, it should be inclusive of a range of opinion. Sexuality education at school should complement learning at home, not challenge or undermine parents values.

A good sex education program gives you the chance to talk to the teachers about the topics to be covered and how the program will be run. The topics will be appropriate to the age of the children.
The program will reflect the cultural values of the school community.
Here is a checklist of what should be covered in a good program at the primary school level. You can compare this with the program offered by your school. The children should learn:

· to feel good about their sexuality
· appropriate ways to express their feelings
· to have an understanding about the reproductive and sexual parts of the body
· about the changes at puberty
· to be clear and strong in stating what they want and what they don’t want
· what to think about when they make decisions
· ways to stand up to peer pressure
· how to discuss sexuality openly with their peers
· what to think about before having a sexual relationship
· about pregnancy and birth
· how to discuss sexuality with their parents

Schools can complement your child’s learning from home and provide social learning opportunities that are not possible within the family. In the classroom children have the opportunity to practise communication skills. Young people are encouraged to be open and honest with each other when talking about sexuality issues.

In the classroom children can hear each other’s opinions and gain an understanding and tolerance of others. The school can give up-to-date, accurate information that is sometimes not easily accessible to parents. And your child has an opportunity to discuss matters with their teachers. This is different from discussing these matters with you, because teachers are not emotionally involved with them in the way you are as a parent.

“My son plays with dolls. Is this ok?” Parents have asked me this and a similar query about girl’s play, “My daughter always plays “boys” games and with “boys” toys”.

You may be concerned because your son is playing with dolls or other “girls” toys. In playing with dolls your son is learning to care for others. He is gaining skills that will help him to be a nurturing father to his own children some day.

Similarly, you may be concerned because your daughter plays with trucks, but she is learning about speed, acceleration, impacts and angles, among other things. You can divert your children to other activities if you feel this is necessary, and tell them that you want them to try lots of different toys and games.

Ben, a 7-year-old, was asked by his teacher how he could tell the difference between a girl and a boy. He replied, “A boy’s got something sticking out like a hose”.

Ben wasn’t sure what words to use. He used words like ‘willy’ or ‘diddle’ at home but didn’t know what to say to his teacher at school. Children use language they are familiar with and if they haven’t learnt the language that is commonly used they are confused. Learning to name the parts of the body is something most children do before they go to school. They need to know that it is acceptable to use words like penis and vulva or they may arrive at school with the belief that the correct words are dirty, rude or naughty. This creates a difficulty for teachers and parents when talking to children if they believe the correct words are offensive or forbidden. In the classroom the children may worry they will say the wrong thing.

Some people feel uncomfortable using the proper words for the sexual parts of the body. It is easier if you start using the anatomical words when your child is very young. There is nothing wrong with using other language at home, so don’t be anxious if you don’t want to use the correct terms. However if you do use baby names such as ‘willy’ for penis, your child still needs to know the anatomical names for all their body parts before they go to school. Pre-schoolers may be fascinated by a particular body part such as the navel and want to check if everyone else has one. You can show your pre-schooler picture books about their bodies and talk about how they work.

Children are reaching sexual maturity earlier today than when you were a child. Boys and girls are physiologically capable of sexual activity before they are ready emotionally. Give your child a clear message that sexual intercourse is an adults-only activity and they are far too young to experience sex.

Between the ages of 10 and 12 some children experiment with sexual intercourse and oral sex. It tends to be a purely physical activity and often occurs in groups. Boys “see if it will fit”, taking turns with others watching. Sometimes it is a result of a dare, part of a game or they are bullied into it. They risk pregnancy, infections, and feeling bad about themselves. Parents are shocked when they learn their child is involved in such activity and the situation needs to be handled sensitively. The child may feel guilty and blame themselves for ending up in this situation.

Young people who start having sex before they are 16 years old often say they should have waited longer. They say their early sexual experiences have often been negative and they were under pressure at the time, leaving them confused and feeling bad about themselves. When a person’s self-esteem is shaken they are less able to make healthy decisions.

Young people need to have the confidence to feel comfortable with their early sexual feelings without having sex. Your parenting will help to build self esteem and good communication about sexuality will give them confidence to stand up for themselves. Talking to your child about friendships, sex and relationships is an important part of parenting. Talk about the basics of contraception, safer sex, signs of pregnancy, pregnancy options and the local health services available to young people. It is better to give children information before they become sexually active. Encourage them to think about the decisions they will need to make in the future. Research shows that young people who have had the opportunity to learn about these issues are more likely to delay sexual intercourse.

Delaying will allow them to enjoy early sexual experiences such as kissing, touching and getting to know each other before making the decision to have sex. If they wait until they feel ready to take this step they are more likely to practise safer sex. Family Planning organisations and government agencies have pamphlets and websites with information that will update you on these topics.

Sexuality education at school will also help them gain this confidence. Ask your school about the sexuality education they provide and what you can do to support it. Becoming involved in improving sexuality education at school or helping develop youth friendly services in the community is a great way to help all children.

Larry cared for his daughter Kate during the day, fitting his work on their farm around the time she was at kindergarten. Sometimes Kate asked her friend Vicky to come and play at her house. Larry became aware that Vicky’s mother was hesitating to agree to this. He sensed her anxiety about having them alone with him on the farm. He became fearful that if Vicky’s mother accused him of wrongdoing he would have no witnesses to support him. He made a decision not to have other children to play at home with Kate unless another adult was present.

Men like Larry who care for children alone may feel they need to be more cautious when their children’s friends come home to play. Larry decided to make sure other adults were present when Kate had her friends home to play. He could also have talked to Vicky’s mother about her fears. Larry is a great role model for Kate and her friends in his caring for the children and it would be beneficial for all of them if he continued. Talking about it to other men who are in a similar situation would also be helpful.

People have become increasingly aware of child abuse and many agencies are working together to identify and reduce the problem. Fathers need to be aware that there have been cases in which a father’s behaviour has been misinterpreted and false allegations of sexual abuse made. Unfortunately this possibility has caused some fathers to withdraw the intimacy they have previously enjoyed with their children. This in turn has a negative effect on the relationship between the father and his child. It also reinforces the male stereotype that men are not as competent as women in the nurturing and caring role for children. It is very important that you as a father continue to show affection to your child and take a positive role in the caring of your child.