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It’s all very well to talk about adults having sexual feelings, but children don’t have sexual feelings do they?

Yes, but childrens feelings are more sensual then sexual. Child and adult sexuality are different in fundamental ways. Talking about children’s sexuality can make us feel uneasy because we may assume that sexuality means the same for children as it does for adults. Children’s sexual behaviour does not have the same meaning and does not occur with the same thoughts and feelings as similar adult behaviour.

Two five-year-old boys are being chauffeured to a party. One says to the other: “I had a dream I was sexing with a girl.” Giggles and snorts cocoon them until the other thinks of a comeback that goes one better. “Well …I had a dream I was sexing with Robert.”

Big ears at the wheel is riveted. Has my son just come out? … These boys in short pants all have their baby teeth, yet already they are talking about losing their virginity.

But then I remember getting engaged to Roderick Davis in kindergarten and scenes behind the shelter shed and soon I’m more relaxed about the fact that sexuality is more exotic these days…

-Kate Legge

Some of these thoughts may go through your mind as you try to understand incidents involving your child’s sexuality. Young children talking about sex can make us uncomfortable. Children are perceived as innocent, while sex is not. However the images and information about sex that young children are now exposed to means they use language and know more of the facts of sex than children even a decade ago. But children’s language and sexual behaviour does not have the same meaning as it does for adults.

Differences between child and adult sexuality
Mary felt very uncomfortable when her five-year-old son Matt pressed his groin into her thigh as she lay on the couch. When he leaned over and began to play with her breast she thought he had gone beyond curiosity. She felt very confused.

Like Mary, you may have concerns about whether your child’s sexual behaviour is normal. In many cases this concern is unfounded and is due to misunderstanding how child sexuality differs from adult sexuality. Parents sometimes attribute adult meanings to children’s behaviour. You may see similarities between the sexual behaviour of children and adults, and mistakenly think they have the same motives. For instance when your five-year-old hugs, kisses and sensually touches you, it may seem that there is an erotic component to their behaviour. However it is much more likely that it is just a demonstration of affection for you.

Children’s play involving sex or sexual roles is universal. Incidents such as a four-year-old boy lying on top of his fully clothed mother and saying “I want to make love to you” is likely to be mimicking something they have seen on TV. Your three-year-old touching your genitals is most likely to be harmless curiosity on their part. They may also be testing boundaries, to see where you set limits. Their language and behaviour may appear adult-like but it lacks the passionate, erotic component of adult sexuality.

When adults talk about ‘having sex’ they are usually referring to sexual intercourse. And when adults talk about ’sex’ the word can include a range of sexual activity including kissing, caressing, fondling, oral or genital sex. President Clinton’s impeachment proceedings highlighted the debate over the definition of sex, but for adults the word sex is associated with sexual feelings, arousal and excitement. Young children don’t have the same knowledge or experience. Even if they have seen sex on TV or other media their ideas are limited to thinking ’sex’ is kissing or rubbing around together. They don’t understand the concept of feeling sexy or ‘turned on’.

Our case study posts address a range of sexuality issues that parents have encountered with their children.

Parents find it useful to hear how others have dealt with parenting issues. In some of these cases parents have shared their experiences and stories with us and where we have used their examples we have changed details so their privacy is protected.

Guiding a child’s learning about sexuality involves many different parenting skills. While the cases involve children’s sexual development, you also need an understanding of the physical and emotional development of children from birth through adolescence. It also requires the ability to have open and honest conversations, in spite of any embarrassment you may feel.

It helps if you are clear about your own values and attitudes toward sexuality and are willing to talk about them with your partner or other adults. You can then confidently share your family values with your child.

The questions and answers in this category will help you when answering your 3-5 year-old’s questions. By age four to five most children will:

• Be conscious of how their body functions and how it appears to others
• Ask where babies come from and how they were born
• Play games like doctor, ‘examining’ their playmates bodies
• Have erections or vaginal lubrication
• Touch their genitals for pleasure
• Know their own gender and be able to recognize males and females
• Begin to recognise traditional male and female gender roles

At this age children have difficulty understanding abstract concepts. When answering their questions use language they are familar with and give basic factual information. This will help them feel more positive and confident, and you will be laying the foundation for open honest communication.

As they learn and grow, young children constantly repeat activities and questions. In the early years you have many opportunities to give your child an understanding of the role sexuality plays in our lives. They learn about sexuality from observing you. They observe how you relate to others, how you express loving feelings, how you respect other peoples’ differences including different values.

If you want your child to come to you for support when they are teenagers you need to start developing good communication when they are little. A comfortable pattern of communication will be established between you and your child – one that can extend into the teen years.

This blog is about child sexual development from birth to puberty. It is for parents, teachers and caregivers. Our aim is to provide information about and to promote understanding of children’s normal sexual development.

The focus is on practicing the parenting skills needed to help children develop a healthy sexuality.

We invite you to read our posts which include case studies, advice and answers to questions from parents and children.

Parents of young children are the target of our first posts. We address questions that parents have either asked us directly, or asked how they could answer their children’s questions.

The case study posts highlight situations that parents experience with their children. Our commentary will give you ideas to help you and your children in similar situations.