Ask Me Anything

Tracey, 5, was being teased at school by boys chanting, “Tracey’s got a vagina, Tracey’s got a vagina.” She indignantly told them that she didn’t have a vagina. Later in front of the class she told her male teacher that the boys kept saying she had a vagina even when she told them she hadn’t. Although the teacher handled the situation very well Tracey was embarrassed that she hadn’t known what the boys had been talking about.
By the age of six or seven your child knows that they are either a girl or a boy and that this will not change. They are now very aware of the differences between the sexes and ask questions about them. If your child doesn’t have the opportunity to learn about the differences between male and female at this age they may become obsessively curious at a later time.

So you have work to do. By the time they go to school they need to know what the acceptable words are for the sexual parts of the body, and what the acceptable sexual words are within the family. They also need to know the language others could use. Your child is at risk of being teased by others if they use words they don’t understand or use them incorrectly or inappropriately.

Sexual behaviour between stepchildren can be an issue when stepfamilies are formed and both new partners have children. Stepfamilies bring together children who are biologically unrelated. However in the new stepfamily all the children are deemed to be related by marriage, whether their parent and stepparent are legally married or not. The children are in fact now brothers and sisters. There is a risk of inappropriate sexual experimentation or activity between stepsiblings. Reasons for this are because they are biologically unrelated, or because they are not familiar with each other, or for a number of emotional and other factors.

It is natural for young children to explore each other’s sexual differences in the playful, curious way. However a stepparent may feel more anxious if they weren’t aware of their child exploring in this way before the new family formed and may feel they are doing something unnatural or harmful. Alternatively they may be in a situation where their new partner accuses their children of aberrant behaviour, after observing sex play between the children. Both parents need to decide whether this is within the range of normal behaviours. Sex play is not usually a problem if all the children are happy and are not being secretive.

There may be a situation where one child may try to do something hurtful or embarrassing to a step-sibling. They may do this in order to punish the new parent or even their own parent, especially if they are feeling left out and confused about the new relationship.

What can you do to help?

At any age a child may try to talk to their own parent about the issues and be rejected for a number of reasons. Some parents don’t want to hear that there are conflicts between the children and may feel it is up to the children to sort out their new relationships within the family. The parent may think their child is making up stories, is misinterpreting the situation, or trying to get a sibling into trouble.

If your child is appearing sad, withdrawn, or has had a major change in their behaviour and tries to tell you about a sexual situation, take it seriously. Show them that you are listening and that they are doing the right thing in talking to you. Tell them you won’t blame them for whatever is happening and that you will do something about it. Don’t hesitate to seek professional advice.

With a new baby in the family older children can feel left out and jealous of the attention the baby is getting. This is most apparent while a mother breastfeeds her baby. Older children may ask to breastfeed too, either to have the same intimacy with their mother, or merely to see what it feels like. Many mothers do not feel comfortable allowing this to happen.

Your older child is well able to feed themselves and there is now an unstated rule that your breast is private. You could say this to your older child but give them lots of cuddling and attention, say why they are special, and point out all the skills they have that the baby hasn’t learned yet.

How should you deal with your 4-year-old son if he is constantly holding or rubbing his penis? The message you want to give him is that it is okay for him to play with his penis but it is something he should do in private. Tell him,

Rubbing your penis is something you do in private, so you can do that in your bedroom, which is a private place. You don’t do that in front of other people.

This will let him know that there’s nothing wrong with what he’s doing, but that it will embarrass other people if he does it when they’re around. If you are anxious about talking with your child about sensitive subjects, rehearse the words and the subject matter beforehand.

A group of women were sharing stories about their children and one mentioned that her four-year-old had charged into their bedroom while she and her husband were making love. “Thank God that’s never happened to us!” said her friend.

Many parents agree. Why are they anxious? Apart from the embarrassment they are often concerned that their child will lose their innocence about sex. But children at this age only have a limited understanding of sex in spite of what they have seen you doing. In their eyes you are playing games or having fun together. In some cases they may think you are fighting or even hurting each other.

Gemma could hear her parents making noises and when she went to investigate could see her mother was getting squashed underneath her father. She tried to push him off saying, “Get off Mummy, you are hurting her”.

Gemma’s mother can give her reassurance that she isn’t hurt and that they are having fun together. Respond to your child’s presence in a natural way and they will not be concerned by what they have seen. You can either put your own needs on hold for awhile or think of something more interesting for Gemma to do in another room.

A three-year-old cannot grasp the concept that babies are made or that time existed before they were born. They think that babies simply exist. They don’t usually understand or ask about sexual intercourse. However in the next few years they will develop some idea that babies are made by parents. They want to know where babies come from, how babies get into a mother’s body and how they get out. If they ask how babies are made they need a simple answer. It is usually enough to say that the baby is made when the father puts a special seed into the mother’s womb where it joins up with a tiny soft egg.

Your child will relate the terms you use to what they know. If you talk about a seed growing in Mummy’s tummy they may imagine a plant growing in soil in her stomach. If you talk about eggs they usually think of a hen’s egg, which has a brittle shell. If you notice your child is confused think about the words you have used. Asking them to tell you what they think will give you the chance to clear up any misunderstandings.

They may ask, “Did I grow in Mummy’s tummy?” and “How did I get out?”. Try to answer in simple language but use the correct words. “A special place in Mummy’s tummy called the womb” or “When you were ready to be born the womb helped to push you through a stretchy opening called the vagina between Mummy’s legs”.

Both boys and girls have questions about their bodies. It is important to teach both boys and girls about the anatomy of both sexes and to explain that there’s a special reason why their bodies are different.

William and Stacey had both recently turned 3 and were from different families. They lived in the same household and were always playing together. Stacey’s mother Cherry walked into the bedroom to find William lying naked on the bed. Stacey was rubbing talcum powder all over his body. William was loving it and lay there with an erection. Cherry left them playing, feeling comfortable they were both enjoying themselves and that it was harmless play. 5 minutes later they were both busy playing outside.

Pre-schoolers start to become curious about the sexual differences between boys and girls, and compare themselves with others. They explore their bodies including their sexual parts. They learn by looking at each other, by touching and by playing games such as ‘doctors and nurses’ or mimicking adult sexual behaviour. Children’s interest in sex and sex play does not take over their whole playtime and is just one of many things they want to explore.

Is your child’s sex play normal? Parents often ask this. What is normal sexually oriented behaviour in 3 - 5 year-olds? A study found that children enjoyed being naked, and masturbated openly at age three, but less so by age five. They found children’s sex play, such as touching each other’s genitals, involved curiosity rather than sexual awareness. Pre-schoolers are curious about their bodies and enjoy being touched. Young children love sensuality and seek physical experiences. Through play they learn lessons they will need to fully experience their sexuality as adults. Their play is characterised by excitement, sensuality, spontaneity and openness. It is easy for parents to forget that their child’s sex play is very different from adult sexual activity, which is characterised by passion, eroticism and privacy.

As long as there is no physical danger, there is no need for parents to worry about sex play if the children are about the same age and size, and if the children are not being made to do something they don’t want to do. When children are of a similar age and size it is less likely that one child will persuade the other to do something they are uncomfortable with. Most sex play is between children who are friends or siblings.

David shared this story at a parent’s workshop:

I have three sons aged 4 to 7 who have lots of fun together. But they have a new game in the evening after their bath. They use the bed as a trampoline, jumping and rolling about naked. That’s okay but they get very excited and have started grabbing each other’s genitals. I’m wondering if I should stop them.

-David, father of three sons

After talking about the game with the other parents he decided the game could be unsafe and he would talk to his sons. The messages he wanted to give them was that their genitals were sensitive and easily hurt and they needed to be more careful in their play.

When children are found playing sex games they are often embarrassed, especially if they learn their parents do not approve. If they are asked to stop and play something else they will, at least while adults are present. They usually enjoy these games just as they do other games but they won’t be particularly upset by changing activities.

If you find children playing sex games and you are not sure how to react, take a deep breath and think first. Many things children find confusing or frightening are caused by the way parents react. If you show dismay or indicate your child’s behaviour is dangerous they may become concerned that something bad will happen to them. If they aren’t worried or upset about the game, treat it in a low-key manner and redirect them if you think it is necessary. Think about the message you want to get across to your child. This message will be important in their developing understanding of sex and sexuality.

The message might be that it is okay to be curious about others but that the sexual parts of their own and others’ bodies are private. You could say:

I see you are playing a game about your bodies. You can learn by looking at each other but remember that this part of your body is private. You can also learn by looking at books. Let’s go and look at some books together.

Setting clear boundaries in a non-judgemental way will guide your child away from unsafe activities. For example, you may need to be clear that it isn’t safe to push anything into the vagina (a common experiment during water play).

By age four to five most children will:·

• Be conscious of how their body functions and how it appears to others
• Ask where babies come from and how they were born
• Play games like doctor, ‘examining’ their playmates bodies
• Have erections or vaginal lubrication
• Touch their genitals for pleasure
• Know their own gender and be able to recognise males and females
• Begin to recognise traditional male and female gender roles

Guiding a child’s learning about sexuality involves many different parenting skills. While the posts in this blog involve children’s sexual development, you also need an understanding of the physical and emotional development of children from birth through adolescence. It also requires the ability to have open and honest conversations, in spite of any embarrassment you may feel.

It helps if you are clear about your own values and attitudes toward sexuality and are willing to talk about them with your partner or other adults. You can then confidently share your family values with your child.

Even at this age what you think and feel about children’s sexuality has a strong influence on how you respond to your child’s sexual behaviour. Your experience of sexuality as a child, what your own parents said and did, your religious beliefs and cultural background, all contribute.

Responding to your child in an open honest way will help them feel good about their sexuality. You risk making them feel ashamed or guilty by responding to them in a negative way, or showing that you are not willing to talk about sexuality issues.

When I was 5 years old I knew my brothers could stand to urinate so I decided to try myself. I tried to direct the stream into the toilet but it seemed to go everywhere. My mother accused my older brothers of the mess with such venom that I was too frightened to own up to it. My brothers were in trouble bigtime. We laughed about it later though.

-Stormee, young mother

Pre-schoolers are usually not modest about their bodies and like being naked. However children who observe adults being modest may start demanding privacy when dressing or using the bathroom. This behaviour is often inconsistent, as it is more about modelling adult behaviour than modesty. They become very interested in bathroom words and in what other people do in bathrooms and toilets. They are curious about the different positions men and women take when they use the toilet and will talk about it. For example, “Why do boys stand to pee?” Most girls will try to stand at least once when urinating.

Jane’s husband Bob, 40, was circumcised as a baby and had an expectation that his new son James would also have the operation. Bob was surprised when told by the doctor that the operation was no longer standard procedure and would not be performed at the unit where his son was born.

Circumcision is the complete or partial removal of the foreskin of the penis. The operation is usually performed a few days after birth. When your first son is born you may not have given much thought to a decision about circumcision. You may feel pressured into making a hasty decision. You may feel that you have little choice as circumcision is not a routine procedure in many hospitals.

In the operation the foreskin is cut to allow it to be pulled back behind the glans (head) of the penis. The foreskin consists of a double layer of skin that, without circumcision, covers the glans. Until recently in Western countries the operation has been widely practiced as a hygienic procedure. In many hospitals it has been routinely performed on newborn boys. It is estimated that circumcision occurs in about one sixth of the world’s population and is probably the oldest surgical operation, dating back some 6000 years to ancient Egypt. Overall, the medical value of circumcision may be highest in places or countries where poverty and disease make good standards of hygiene difficult. Recent research has found that circumcised men have a lower risk of HIV infection compared to uncircumcised men in parts of Africa.

Parents may request circumcision for religious reasons. For traditional Jewish and Muslim families, circumcision is a religious duty, usually done shortly after birth or sometimes in childhood. In other cultures circumcision is part of a ritual performed at puberty, representing the end of childhood and the beginning of manhood. Other reasons people ask for their boys to be circumcised are because they believe circumcision will prevent disease, reduce masturbation, reduce sexual desire, as a treatment for bed-wetting or is necessary because the foreskin is too long.

The operation is now performed in Australia, New Zealand and the UK if it is in the interests of the child, not the parents. As in other areas of medicine the trend is to avoid unnecessary intervention. The main medical reason to circumcise is when the foreskin prevents the normal flow of urine.